Day 23:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I cannot believe that it is almost 2013!! I remember being BARELY pregnant last new years eve and spending it with Brittany and Micah. It was a great time!!

I have been thinking a lot about being pregnant. I miss it so much! I miss the feeling of life inside of me. I miss the feeling of being needed THAT much! I know Elsie needs me and Kenz - and her entire life is dependent on us. It is just such a different feeling having that feeling of life growing inside of you. I always dreamt of being pregnant - I knew it was going to be amazing and it surpassed all my expectations. I could not have imagined how amazing it ended up being.

I see my body now - and its NEVER going to be the same. Some days that makes me sad - but most days it makes me feel more like a woman. I feel more powerful and more confident knowing that I grew life inside my body and I gave birth to a living breathing human being! NOTHING is cooler than that! NO ONE can tell me that I am not important  - because to AT LEAST one person I am everything. I hope that Elsie can see how special this was some day. I never knew you could love some one so much!

My mom made a comment to me about not knowing how much my parents truly loved me until now - until I had a little baby girl of my own - and she was so right! I never imagined that my mother and father loved me this much - I was so blind to the amazingness of being a parent.

I see more of my friends mentioning that they are pregnant with their first and second babies! I am so happy for them. I am so excited to someday be able to feel that life growing inside of me again. I cannot wait to give Elsie a sibling (well I can wait haha! I am GOING to wait) fortunately McKenzie and I have the power and ability to truly plan a pregnancy.

We also have talked about how lucky we are to plan our pregnancies and not have surprises - when we have another baby - or even Elsie too - we want them - we are prepared for them and some people who didn't plan may not enjoy pregnancy as much as we did because we wanted it and we were able to prepare for it before it happened and while it happened.

I am so excited to ring in the new year with the two loves of my life. I am so lucky to have these two beautiful women in my life and I am thankful for McKenzie sticking by me and holding strong when I was struggling the most. I was so afraid for a while that I was going to lose her - and I am thankful for McKenzie's love for me that she knew we would make it through this - and raise our daughter together. Elsie already has had so much love and support in her 5 months of being alive I am so excited to share this next year with her and all the more to come too!!

She is so smart and so beautiful - I am so proud and so lucky to have this amazing little girl as my daughter and I don't think I can say it enough!!!

Happy New Year!! 2012 was an amazing year for the "Hunt" family and 2013 is only going to be better!!

Staying hopeful and keeping a smile on my face!!

 - Sarah

Day 22:

I just want to say Merry Christmas from my family to yours!! Christmas Eve was such an amazing day with my family and McKenzie's family!! So sad my mom had to leave!!

My dad was so cute with Elsie today, he spent a lot of time with her and kept asking for a kiss from Elsie all day!! Aww!! He breaks my heart!!

Tomorrow is going to be a great day too!! So thankful and grateful for everything I have!!!

Mckenzie is so cute and lovely! She has seriously the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met!! She's beautiful, smart, and beat of all she fell in love with me!! I'm so lucky!! Just wanted to get that out there!! :)

Til later
Sarah

Day 21:

I cannot believe its almost Christmas!! How fast the time has gone!! My little monkey will be 6 months soon, she's so much fun right now!!

I look back and see where I was in August and I am so thankful that with friends and an outlet that I am where I am today. Still having panic attacks here and there but much much better. Saw Dr. S yesterday got a little uncomfortable, purposely avoided him. I know he made a very educated judgement call, BUT none the less he cut my body open! I am so scared of him, he compromised my body's integrity! He added a scar to my body, he risked my life and my child's life, and HE took away my control!! I know it's really not his faulty in reality but in MY own twisted reality it is ALL his fault, and I cannot speak or be close to him without being extremely uncomfortable and panicky!!

I hope soon ill be over that! I see him often - as he's up on our floor quite often seeing patients and right now we're right across from the birthing unit so I see him go in and out often! All I can do is have hope and be determined to get over this anxiety! I pray everyday that I get some strength to make it a day without a panic attack. I rarely get a whole day without one, but the ones that I know remind me that my praying is working.

A girl I used to work with had a baby the other day - via c-section - and her baby is not doing well at all! She looks like there was some infection or something - very swollen - and this girl is talking about her losing weight (2lbs expected before discharge) so I am guessing an infection. She is asking for prayers from people for her little girl! I thought I'd say something on here and hopefully someone or everyone that reads this can say a little prayer for her! She's very ill and needs all the prayers she can get. I couldn't and do not imagine going through what her and her husband are going through. They are expecting the baby to be there 2-3 months. I can't imagine not having been able to cuddle with my Elsie for the first 2 or 3 months of her life. Baby's need their mommies and daddies to cuddle with them and talk to them and hold them - its so sad to see babies not being able to have the gift of touch from their parents for a good portion of their early life. Elsie still loves to cuddle!! I am SO thankful for that!!

Elsie grabbed a Christmas present from under the christmas tree today and threw it! then looked at Kenz like, "what?! Yeah I did that!" haha! shes amazing!! I love her so much! She makes me laugh so hard!!


I thought I'd add some pictures of Elsie and I - She is seriously the most amazing thing. I am so proud of her, and so honored to be her mother!!

Cannot wait for my family to visit tomorrow, I am so anxious for things to turn out okay! I am very happy that they are willing to travel to us for the holidays. I wish that they would stay longer than they do. My dad gets so antsy and wants to leave so soon, I wish he'd want to stay longer. I understand that there is really not much to do at my house - but I also see how it bums my mom out when he wants to leave and she doesn't want to leave... She told me she'd like to move to a farm house down here and build a house on the land for Kenz, Elsie and I and then we'd live so close and we'd have a garden and we'd live off the land!!

 I would love to hook my dad up with a job down here - and have them move here! It would be so much more convienent for us all!! I am going to look for houses and send my mom some links (as a joke) and see what she said in reply to me! I think it would be interesting to see what she says to me. wouldn't it be lovely if she's been looking and shes interested in seriously considering moving? Oh my! It'd be my dream come true!!

VERY ready for 3 days off and to spend it with my family, friends, and McKenzie's family!! I am so excited I LOVE christmas and I have a serious case of christmas fever!!

Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading and supporting me in my journey!!

Day 20:

So it's been a couple days now, had two days off after working two in a row! Still loving my job, had a couple busy days off!! Spending a lot of time with Elsie AND McKenzie, I love spending so much time with them! Talked to McKenzie about how many kids she'd like to have - I think we're on the same page with 2 or 3.

I haven't heard back about the psychologist thing, I'm sure it will not be until after the holidays. Which is okay but I'm worried about money when it comes to these sessions... I have no idea how to pay for them because I have no idea how much money they will cost or how many I will have to have!!

It's almost Christmas and I am beyond excited for Elsie's first Christmas to happen!! So excited to see all the gifts she got and see of she likes them. I hope that she has a lot of fun with them!

I am so excited to play Santa and experience that look on her face when she sees what Santa has gotten her!! Oh my I cannot wait!! Also I amaze myself everyday at how much I love my daughter. I talked to Kenz about this the other day. I freak myself out by how much I love her!! McKenzie is the love of my life, and I love Elsie more but in a different way! I couldn't imagine life without either of them, but it's hard to explain how much I love each of them, there is no real comparison.

So excited for the holidays I'll check in again after Christmas!!

Til Later

Sarah

Day 19:

So I don't know if I mentioned what the outcome of the doctors visit was in terms of my plan of action for getting through this post partum and PTSD. Doctor agreed that I am experiencing PTSD. He wanted to try a medication that was used more so in the past called Buspirone, but there weren't really any studies done to know if it was safe for breastfeeding mothers. SO he decided to not go with that!! He put me on Zoloft, which I've been on before and I was concerned with feeling "zombie - ish" I was on it before and I took it with another medication and it made me feel very delayed etc. He said he'd start me on a low dose of it - 1/2 the average dose of it. I feel much better about him starting low and moving up rather than starting high and moving down - I really don't want to feel like I did before!!

 

He referred me to a Psychologist - to try a treatment plan with her involving EMDR. He told me that his wife experiences PTSD and she had A LOT of success with EMDR therapy. I am very hopeful and so is my doctor which makes me feel much better - and more confident!

 

Back to work this week - can't believe its going to be Christmas in about a week!! Oh how the year has flown by. It feels like a few months ago I found out I was going to have a baby - and now its been a year!! Crazy!!

 

I have been feeling less anxious lately - feeling less like a failure - still having flashbacks - and some jealousy issues about women who are pregnant - I wish I was still so that I could relive the labor and maybe it would be different!! I know that there is nothing that could have changed how things ended up - but in my head I cannot cope with the fact of what happened! Not only do I feel robbed but I feel extremely violated!! I remember being taken down the hallway - and I couldn't feel my lower body except for wind or pressure - But it felt as if my entire gown was up around my chest and there were so many people in the hallway preparing me for surgery on my way to the operating room! I was brought into the white room - it was freezing in there and there were more strange people - and I was naked in front of them all - I never officially met any of them. I didn't know what they were actually there for. I know that it was emergency but I feel like things should have been explained - Thankfully my mother was there to tell me what to expect. I just still remember hearing the words - "we need to get baby out" - and then a rush of people into the room and they were shaving me and putting an oxygen mask on me and rushing me around - I cried and I know my heart rate skyrocketed because I was so scared and anxious!! I had NO idea what to expect and I definitely didn't expect all this to happen afterward!!

 

As much as I do trust my doctor, I had to research about Zoloft. I just wanted to make sure it was okay with breastfeeding and it is - its actually one of the more prefered antidepressants during breastfeeding. I guess it has a minimal excretion into breastmilk. I just want to know what to expect if anything should come up. I do NOT want to put any stress or anything on Elsie - So if that means that I need to cope with this free of meds I will do that. I know I'd be able to but I think it would be faster if I used medications, and I'm hoping to resolve this fairly soon!! I would like to enjoy my life again!! I am loving life but I know that there is more to love - and I cannot wait to experience ALL that motherhood has to offer!!

 

This is me feeling ever so hopeful!!

 

 - Sarah

Day 18:

Mom visited Friday night and stayed until Saturday! So nice to have her here - she let mckenzie and I sleep in until about 11am which was SO nice!! Especially since I've been working first shift it felt good to sleep past like 8am!! Haha!!

Talked to my mom about my doctors appointment. And she doesn't share the same feelings I do about my c-section as hers. When I said, I didn't fail- and that it as out of my control, she said "no you didn't fail she's right here and she's healthy and beautiful!" She laughed a few times but then she said some words - I feel like I've waited to hear since I was 14 and starts dealing with depression, she said "I'm sorry I shouldn't laugh, IT'S REAL AND YOU FEEL IT, THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, I just don't understand." For her to tell me it's real and my feelings are real and they are not hers but they are mine and I'm not wrong OMG it felt amazing to finally hear that validation. I always felt as if she never understood and I never felt like she tried to. I see how much progress she's made and it makes me feel so good!! I'm so proud of her!!

Her and mckenzie talked about how my brother and I are so similar, how when we have something significant in our lives happen that we dwell on it for a long time, we research and obsess about it almost, which is Exactly what I am doing with this situation. But it's my coping mechanism, it's how I move past things - maybe I takes me longer but what I is I am going through I want to know all there is know I want to know what treatment is available and how to beat succeed a treatment. I don't know how I am going to afford treatment to be honest but I know something will work out , it always does.

Going to sleep now... Work tomorrow - first day with out new uniforms!! YAY!!

Night - Sarah

Day 17:

Doctors appointment went MUCH better than I anticipated!! I told him about my anxiety - he was so understanding - when I told him that I wasn't sure of the exact final reason as to why the c-section was done, he said "let's find out" and looked over my lab results and notes from doctor S. he told me that my placenta was starting to detach. He told me that he's surprised things ended as we'll as they did with her birth now knowing that! He said in all his experience that when that happens the outcome is usually "really bad" he said that Dr. S made the right call at the right time. I cannot even describe the weight lifted off of me after hearing that!! I have been waiting to hear it wasn't my fault for 5 months!! I've always tried to find a way to blame myself - (maybe I shouldn't have gotten an epidural maybe I shouldn't have brought up the topic of induction) but THIS is out of my control (in a good way) and I am thankful dr. S made that call so early - I have my baby's life and my life because of it. (I guess he's a pretty awesome dr after all!!)

Also doctor told me that he does obstetrics, and if and when I get pregnant again he'd be happy to be my doctor. I told him about my desire to do VBAC for any future pregnancies and he told me that he's comfortable with VBAC and that he's never had to go back to c-section with any of his VBACs!! So I asked him about my placenta detaching and whether or not that will make it a high risk for it happening again. He said that when the placenta detaches there is no way of knowing "why" it's one of those medical things that happens without a real reason as to why it happened... He said that it does not mean it will happen again. He said that about 1% of women experience full placental abrupt ion. I had partial because we delivered so soon! Had I waited until I dilated and had a vaginal birth, neither of us would be here more than likely!

So thankful for this news!! I DIDN'T FAIL!!!

Got to tell my mom about it tonight and I'm so excited to spend tonight and tomorrow with her!! Elsie just loves her!!

Super tired long day!! But today is the beginning of the end (to my depression) got my head held high, feeling really good!!!

GOODnight
Sarah

Day 16:

First day i missed in terms of blogging was yesterday! and it was such a crazy day! i worked 12 hours and I came home and had visitors, not that I minded but it was definitely last minute plans and I would have really liked to have had a relaxing evening. I do hate the days that we're busy after I get off work because I don't really get much time with Elsie. But I only work 3 days a week, so I really cannot complain.

VERY anxious lately - all I can think about is my doctors appointment tomorrow at 10:30am!! I cannot beleive that I am finally going to talk to a doctor about my issues and hopefully get some help!!! I am scared that I am going to not make it sound as bad as it is. I have a list of things to bring up to my doctor - I cannot afford to skip anything. I am one of those people who doesn't really like to go to the doctor and so I make the MOST out of my doctors appointments. This is my first doctors appointment with this doctor but it is also McKenzie and Elsie's doctor too!! So he knows all of us and is very supportive of us as a family!! I know I have mentioned this before about him.

There are 3 nurses at work that are pregnant! They are all talking about their pregnancies and their past pregnancies. I walk away from these conversations when they happen, but I feel like these conversations continue to happen - NO MATTER where I am!!! I know that pregnancy is going to happen regardless of if I get anxious about it. I watched a TV show last night and this lady went into labor and delivered twins, vaginally, and I was SUPER anxious!! BUT I had company over that I was not terribly comfortable with and I wanted to hide the fact that I was super anxious!! McKenzie text me during the part of show and asked "you okay with this" she is amazing! she knows me, and I didnt have my phone on me so I didn't get to see the text until later after they had left. I am so lucky to have her in my life!! She has come a long way since when I first started feeling like this - this whole Post partum PTSD hit myself like a ton of bricks but I cannot imagine how kenz felt because she couldn't even feel it coming on and I did.

ELSIE IS 5 MONTHS OLD TODAY!!! I cannot believe its been 5 months!! This has seriously been the most amazing, stressful, scary, change filled months of my life!! Since July 1st the following things have happened in my life;

- Went on maternity leave (first "vacation like" break from work in almost 5 years.
- delivered a baby after a scary emergency c-section
- struggled with Post Partum Depression
- experienced Post Partum Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- moved from full time to part time at Oaklawn
- got a job at goshen hospital part time
- got fired from my job at oaklawn (then asked to stay as CPR instructor still)
- got full time at the hospital

WOW I feel like that list (to me) is overwhelming!! I cannot imagine these things all happening while I am trying to cope with my feelings. I was MOST stressed about my labor and delivery but so many changes happened during such a short amount of time I am not sure how I kept my head on straight - or if it even is - haven't had much time to look in the mirror lately. haha!!

No matter how much I try I cannot bring myself to miss oaklawn!! haha - I think about two of the resident's that I was fairly close to and I hope they try to communicate with me when they leave oaklawn. But I do not miss all the politcal bullsh*t that comes along with the place. when I first started there they treated me like gold - I advanced so fast - I went from MHT to MHA then LEAD in 9 months. I could have gottene UC at that point but I didn't know if I was ready for it - but now when I think back I know that this person was asking me to take over because he had me run an intershift and everything - I should have went for it then - but I don't know where I'd be now if I had. I was moved all over the place there to "help out" where they needed help - they even paid me more to work on a shitty unit and "fix it up" the people I worked with at that time were awesome and we had so much fun and we all worked together really well. Then they filled our unit with 12 girls who wanted to kill themselves and hardly gave us enough staff to keep them safe - then made us co-ed and then started to shit on me!! I was no longer given the chance for advancement. I don't want to use my sexuality as a crutch BUT since this certain individual knew about my relationship with a woman - his whols attitude toward me changed - and I no longer advanced. I tried to tell myself that there was always a reason why I would get my dreams crushed when I couldn't advance and try to make sense of their reasoning as to why I couldn't. I was once told I had poor boundaries with the residents - which I know is not true - I have never had poor boundaries. I cared about those children so much, it was never in an inappropirate way EVER!!!! But until I got a job offer from goshen hospital I never truly believed there was a reason that I didn't advance. now I am thankful that I never did because I have been given this opportunity to advance so much more in my life not just my job with this new job here at goshen.

So tonight I am going to try to ignore my anxiety about tomorrow and keep myself distracted until my appointment.

Wish me luck and I am definitely going to be blogging tomorrow about my actual physical steps toward a full recovery emotionally from my c-section!!

Til Later
Sarah

Day 15:

AWESOME day!! Didn't work today - and I spent a lot of time with McKenzie & Elsie!! We babysat in the morning, and then went to the vet and got some med for the dogs!! It snowed today and for the first time in YEARS I was happy to see it!! I even threw a snowball at McKenzie!! I need to learn to like snow so that Elsie might!!

Wrapped presents!! So excited to spend the holidays with family!! I think this Christmas is going to be my favorite Christmas!!

Kenz always has a way about her and the things she says to me that make me feel so good about myself. She told me today that she loves how I wrap presents! She complimented how I do them and it felt really good to hear that!!

Miss my mom today!! I found the perfect Christmas gift to get for her! Maybe I'll order it before I go to bed tonight!!

Not much to write about!! - Kenz got me a cool journal ill have to talk about it tomorrow... Now to get this child of mine to rest her little beautiful eyes...

Zzzzzzz
Sarah

Day 14:

***I don't aim to offend with this post but I need to vent for the sake of my wife! Please understand that this is a personal blog and MY feelings do NOT reflect those of anyone else - even my perceptions of peoples feelings could be entirely inaccurate!!***

very rough day today. I started to have some flashbacks today. ALL DAY!! I worked this morning and had a rough time at least until lunch! We didn't have any pregnant patients or anything. Not sure what triggered this. I text kenz to let her know that I was having a hard time! Shes so supportive and I am so thankful and grateful for her in my life!! Got my placenta lab results... I have no idea how to read them but it mentions partial abruptio placentae. So I guess that's what was happening for sure!! The diagnosis for my c-section was; post term 40w6d pregnancy, failure to progress, fetal intolerance to labor, bloody amniotic fluid. Not sure what tests were done but it mentioned some crazy medical terms- I'm bringing it to my doctors appointment to have him tell me what it means!! I NEED to know!! But I'm scared to... All this time I've thought I knew it was abruptio placentae and what if its not? Then I'm really just a failure as a woman!! I just didn't do labor!! WTF?! Ugh!! Can't talk about this anymore today!! Just not a good day for it!!

Kenz's Family blows my mind. I NEVER pictured her family to be like this ever! they are so self-absorbed and do not pay any attention to her. She used to be SO close to her mom and dad I used to be jealous of her relationships with them! Now both of her parents are consumed with their own lives - as they have moved on in relationships seperate from themselves. WHen mckenzie's mom was lonely (before the divorce) and leaned on mckenzie quite a bit for support -now that Jimmy lives with her the only time she is needed is when mckenzie's mom needs to detox or she can't find something and she thinks mckenzie has it. She used to talk about drama with mckenzie's dad but mckenzie finally drew the line on that. McKenzie and her dad used to SO close and I often made a joke about them being too close. McKenzie enjoyed the time with her dad, she is such a daddy's girl and from what I get she has been forever! WHen her dad moved in with his girlfriend (now wife) she was pushed aside. She has mentioned that she has been there for her dad through SO much and McKenzie is really struggling with the death of a family friend recently, her dad is completely ignoring ALL of mckenzie's requests for help! she has asked her dad to come pick her up when I am at work on the weekends and he makes some sort of crappy comment about how she sleeps in too much! He never comes over to visit elsie - we always have to bring elsie to him - which is crap becuase we have to lug so much around when we travel with her and apparently that is nothing he is too concerned about!

How much mckenzie has sacrificed for her dad - she lost her job in 2010 when they were going through the seperation and all because her dad basically guilted her into doing all of these crazy things and he seems to feel no remorse for that almost as if it was expected of her. SHe has always dropped everything for her family and it breaks MY heart that NONE of them will do the same for her. Collin seems to be coming around more and being more reliable than he was. He went through a stage of being irresponsible and I think that was granted to him - he needed to rebel against things and now hes being better and hes being a MUCH better brother - hes such a great kid. I feel bad for Carson though - I hope for his sake that he doesn't understand how selfish people around him are being.

For an early Christmas present tonight... It's called wreck this journal and its a journal but it has tasks to do to make it fun and keep your journal looking awesome!! Can't wait to start tomorrow!!!

Looking forward to sleep tonight! Elsie was asleep by 12am!! Woot woot!!!

Goodnight moon!!

Sarah

Day 13:

Today was amazing!! Woke up early with Elsie and spent some time with my mom and Elsie before Kenz got up! We got an oil change on the car. Talked to my mom about my depression and PTSD symptoms. She's been very supportive throughout this whole experience!! I feel like she might understand the depression more than she's letting me know about when I first asked her if she had any issues with her c-section she still thinks, "I have two kids but never had a baby!" I hope she never felt like I feel... But if she did I hope she's gotten over it - I'm sure by now she has. My grandma visited today and spent some time with Elsie!!

Watched a show today called secretly pregnant, what a crazy show!! Me and my mom talked about how I told her as soon as I knew, and that I wanted to wait until I was showing so that she couldn't stress me out and risk a miscarriage. But we decided that telling her when I did was the best thing I ever did because it gave her plenty of time to cope, and be accepting of it. I know if I would have told her further along things may not be how they are and our relationship could be so much different and not for the better! Elsie and my mom have an awesome relationship! I want Elsie to be close to Gramma as I was so close to mine and it was such an amazing experience!! I just love visiting my mom at her house I see so much joy in her eyes when she's near Elsie and same with Elsie!! It is such an amazing thing to witness!! And I know Kenz feels like she's at home there too, it's just a great time all around.

Started to address Christmas cards tonight, feels awesome to send Christmas cards with pictures of our family!! So excited and I hope everyone that gets one will enjoy it!! Love love love our first family picture! It's beautiful!!

Have to work at 7:00a tomorrow so I'm hitting the hay!!

Til later - Sarah

Day 12:

Friday was a BUSY day!! We got up and had to run some errands for mckenzie's brother. I had an appointment at 3:30p I thought the appointment was going to last awhile but it was over almost before wit began!! Then we got some lunch and went home. Kenz's dad came over to visit for a little while, wish they'd stay longer sometimes!! We left for Grand Rapids at about 6:00p. It was nice to see my mom.

WE went on a date!! My mom babysat and we went to dinner and got some shopping done too!! It was nice!! I had so much fun with Kenz it felt good to be able to relax and be carefree!! I knew Elsie was safe and we went to target and Meijer and goofed around!! It was great!! We came back and watched some interventions and duck dynasty and got Elsie to sleep and went to bed. Not a very exciting day but it was fun!!

I'm going to be tired tomorrow that's all I know!!

Sarah

Day 11:

Another busy day today!! Worked again! I only had 4 patients and it wasn't bad at all!! I am really starting to LOVE first shift!! Ahh!!!

So many more opportunities!! Oh I am so thankful for my family today I just keep smiling thinking about them. I about literally ran into dr S today, that wasn't fun! And I think he recognized me this time!! He stopped and looked at me for a second and then said, hi how are you?, I don't know if that meant he recognized me but yeah!

Elsie was AWESOME when I got home from work tonight!! He was laughing so hard in her walker!! I was doing peek a boo kinda and oh my she loved it!! Melted my heart!! She's so amazing!! It's late and it's been a long day!! I'm exhausted!!!

Goodnight world!!!

Sarah

Day 10:

Feels weird to be writing about yesterday today... So yesterday was my first official full time shift!! I oriented until 3pm then I was on my own!! I work today again and I'm on my own all day. Saw doctor S yesterday at work.... That was an awkward moment and for a minute I think he may have recognized me. Saw a past resident from Oaklawn, their brother was admitted on the floor and they were there with their mom. I avoided them like crazy!!

Work was slow but steady and I had so much fun with it!

I made my schedule for the next 8 weeks out... I don't know exactly how to express what I'm feeling. I don't WANT to say I'm proud of myself because its hard for me to congratulate myself on things I I do good, but I am so happy that I am persistent in what I want and I go for it. I also got a Christmas bonus yesterday which was nice!! YAY!!

Someone asked me at work yesterday why I am down here from grand rapids, and why I haven't moved back up. I told her than I haven't moved back up because of this Goshen hospital job. I told her how badly I wanted to move back home and that we were looking, then I got this job and it felt to me like a dog that this is where I needed to be right now. Maybe this isn't where I plant my family's roots, but for the time being this is where I belong with McKenzie and Elsie.

Not much happened yesterday- busy with work...

Til later - Sarah

Put a picture of Elsie up on my locker @ work :0)

Day 9:

Really good day today!! No anxiety attacks!! Yay!! I have been researching about EMDR therapy and I may look into tying it out. I'd like to see what it's all about more before I ask about it! I'll probably blog about it when I know more!! I always do!! Haha!

So we went shopping today. We got Christmas gifts for some family members and Elsie!! So excited to shop for her!! She was such a good girl today, she was in her carseat for a lot of it and she was still so happy!! She loved shopping - hope she doesn't make a habit of that in the future haha! No I'm kidding I'd love to go shopping with her when she's older!!

I know a lot of people who are getting ready to have children with developmental problems or already have some and it breaks my heart! I pray for them everyday to either find out what will help the baby or that the baby will be born with less than they anticipate in terms of needing medical care long term. I couldn't imagine that feeling of being so excited to have a baby and then told that something SERIOUS is wrong with your baby and they may not live long after birth!! Oh my god!! I'd lose it mentally!! I pray for closure for those I knew who have miscarried. That's awful too!! I know how lucky I am to have had a great pregnancy and a very healthy and happy baby and it makes me feel horrible that I am struggling so much with the birthing process. Because really that's only a fraction of what pregnancy really is!! The development in the womb and the health after the birth and beyond is really what matters... The birthing portion is for the mother and I feel sometimes that I am selfish for wishing things happened differently, because if they had - maybe that would mean she'd have problems. A friend of mine had a vaginal birth but almost lost her baby, and is still struggling with some things in terms of her baby's health. I am so lucky and so grateful for this beautiful, healthy baby that we were blessed with. I know that I will have another opportunity for a new birthing process someday and if things are different and vaginal - great!! I'll be so happy!! If not - great!! As long as baby is healthy, and happy!! Life is good ya'll!!!

Starting first shift tomorrow! So excited but nervous, I know it will be all good. Short entry tonight but I gotta get some sleep up in 5 hours!

Night!! - Sarah

Day 8:

We had a doctors appointment with Elsie this morning. She weighs 16.6lbs, 25 1/2 inches long. She's grown soo much!! She was so happy when we got to the office then we had to wait over an hour to see the doctor and she fell asleep!! Then the doctor did her assessment and she slept through it. The medical assistant came in and have her 3 shots and an oral vaccine - she cried but was such a trooper!! I'm so proud of her! She's so sweet!!

We got home from our appointment and I had a voice mail from my supervisor at Goshen Hospital. I called her back because I had put in a transfer request to go to full time, she was calling me to tell me that she approved for me to switch to full time and I could start this week! It's on first shift!! I'm so excited and I am so happy!! Mckenzie and I have been worrying about money etc, and things seems to be heading in the right directions!!

I'm going to get things figure out with my head and take care of all that and I think we'll be golden!! Oh I cannot express how grateful I am right now and how proud of mckenzie and I I am!! I knew being a mother would be amazing but I NEVER thought it would be this awesome.

So basically nothing came of googling my mood pressure - I figured I was alright - I'm not passing out or anything - I do get dizzy a lot and feel like I may fall over I always thought it was just my anxiety - maybe not - I'll add it to the list I'm taking to my doctor next Wednesday.

Elsie fed herself a whole bottle today!! 4oz!! We got these new little bottles that hold 5oz instead of 8oz and she grabbed it and held it the entire bottle!! How cute!!

My mom was so happy for me to get full time!! She want me to finish nursing school!! I WILL!! I just need to work on a few of the current loans I have before I take on anymore!! Ugh!! It will happen I'm hoping next fall or spring '14 hopefully but we'll see!!

Went to target to get new bedding for our new bed!! Yay!! Finally!! So anyway Kenz pointed out a nurse from the hospital where I had Elsie - this nurse was AMAZING!! I kid you not! She took such great care of me and Elsie and was alway there to answer any questions mckenzie and I had. She even sat down with us and talked about things. Part of me wanted to stop her in the store and say "do you remember me?!" But then I thought of how I'd explain myself is she didn't remember me. I'd find myself saying, "I'm the one that failed at giving birth - I'm the c-section girl!" When in reality I'm sure they have a lot of c-sections that come through and that would NOT be my identifier to her. I'm such a freak! So needless to say, I got anxious and worked up and had some flashbacks and was mean to Kenz! The worst part about it was Kenz felt BAD that she pointed her out - Kenz really liked her and knew I liked her too!! It's no fair that mckenzie can't say things like that without me freaking out! Im so sorry!! It's gotta get better!! I hope Kenz will be patient with me!! I don't know what to do without her. She's my best friend and the love of my life... I know that this is so hard on her and I am trying - I know it doesn't look like it but I am!! I pray everyday that she finds it in her heart to forgive me for my actions these last 5 months!!

Kenz and I talked about my surgery the other night - I love when she lets me talk about it! :) We discussed that right after they wheeled me into my recovery room after surgery, the nurse checking my vitals every 5 minutes (at least it felt like that), I asked her if ill always have I have a c-section now that I've had one. She told me about VBAC and told me that Goshen hospital is a hospital that accepts them and some hospitals do not. She said some doctors don't allow it either. I just thought it was interesting that my first questions right out of surgery were about whether or not my birth plan may be able to work out the right way for me ever in the future!! I should have seen this shit storm of PPD and PTSD coming!! Good lord!!

Rough day emotionally - for Kenz too because I always take it out on her, poor thing. I also have a hard time admitting that I took it out on her because I feel embarrassed as ashamed that I can't handle my own shit!! Ugh!! I get so mad sometimes and just need a break from my own mind, and the worst part about feeling that is knowing that I will NEVER get a break from the thoughts in my head, I'll never get to not think about my c-section for a day - at least for the foreseeable future!! And that is the saddest part of my day!!

Am I just feeling sorry for myself? And I being selfish? Can't I just stop already?

FML I need help!!

-Sarah

Day 7:

7 days of blogging wow!! I feel accomplished - I can't even keep a diary for this long consistently!! YAY me!!

Fairly normal day for me today... Anxious some but overall fairly calm! I ha some anxieties about an old friend having her baby, NATURALLY. Ugh lucky lady! Haha! I give her mad props though for pulling through with no medication that's awesome!! I can only hope to be as strong next time around. Wasn't too bad in terms of anxiety about it though because I knew she had had a natural home birth with her first baby, and so she was entirely prepared and I knew it would go well for her!

Met with a friend of ours today. We hung out through mutual friends a few years ago, we didn't hang out much but her husband and her just had a baby a month ago, McKenzie put a Craigslist ad up for day care services and I saw on her Facebook she needed a babysitter! So I volunteered mckenzie, she was glad to do it because it will definitely help out!! Well we had her over and hers baby is so tiny!! She's like 6lbs maybe!! Oh my goodness!! I was so much fun holding a tiny baby!! Elsie was NEVER that small!! At least not outside the womb!! We talked things over and I hope that things work out - this is a great opportunity for us! And for Elsie to have a playmate her age! Not a lot of our friends have children Elsie's age - so it's nice!

Elsie fell asleep by herself tonight when our friend was over - I'm not naming names because I don't want to put anyone's name in here in case they don't want me to...- and it was so special!! She's never done that before really and she was just laying on her mat and fell asleep, we moved her to bed and she stayed sleeping!! Aww!! I love her so much!!

Hopefully we can pick up our pictures tomorrow and get our Christmas cards sent out!!

Had a lot of soreness around my incision area today - when it hurts it gives me anxiety. I'm not sure why it hurts it feels swollen too, and really tight!! It feels like I'm flexing my belly but I'm def not! Oh! The day when I don't feel these things anymore!!!

It was nice to talk to someone about my c-section today that had one and understood!! I learn everyday however that no one really shares my feelings- not that I'd ever want someone to feel the way I do, it'd just be nice to be able to say - "a lot of women struggle with c-sections" and mean it and actually personally know it to be true... Otherwise it's like a made up statistic that is NEVER going to be true life for me!!

Doctors appointment for Elsie tomorrow! She's been so interested in the food we eat, and things we drink- she's definitely ready for some food! Ha!

Had low blood pressure today when I checked it at the store! It was 84/52 I don't think it's ever been that low! I'm going to google it when I am done - i'll fill you in on my self diagnosis tomorrow haha!

Sleepy and had a LONG day!!!

Goodnight!! - Sarah

Day 6:

Day 6:
Today started out so awesome and ended on such a sad note...

My mom came down to visit today!! We went out to lunch and went to get family pictures taken!! Mom helped to keep little Elsie smiling!! Elsie did so good!! I was so proud of her!! Our pictures turned out so well!! We got frozen yogurt at urban swirl tonight too after pictures!! My mom had so much fun with Elsie today and its alway a pleasure to have her down here with us!! We talked about what she would do if her and my dad won the lottery!! I told her she should move down here - and she said that her and my dad talked about building a farmhouse down here and building a little house on the land for us and let u have our own garden and just live off the land!! It sounds like paradise!!! This would be my DREAM COME TRUE!! I would love I live by my parents and for a while I looked into jobs in Grand Rapids. I wanted out of Oaklawn so bad but had no way out!! UNTIL IU health Goshen offered me a job as a nurse aide!! My saving grace!! As hard as it may be to work there it's such an amazing opportunity!!

It's hard to work there because I am on the other side of the birthing unit!! I look at the doors that led me into the disaster of a birthing experience!! I watch people go in and out all night- go in for labor and leave with a baby!! It's triggering yes, but once I'm not psychotic about all this!! It will not bother me at all!! Or at least I hope not!!

I have been think about things lately and wondering WHY?! That question comes up all the time!! I know that there is not one reason why either! All I know is that there were SO many things that were going in the wrong direction for a vaginal birth!

FIRST: I didn't have a favorable cervix, so I knew dilating would be difficult. They induced me with the cytotec (sp?) first to help my cervix dilate because I was having contractions but no dilation.

SECOND: When the doctor broke my water there was blood in it, doctor said that my placenta could be detaching - which ended up being the case - and if so we needed to get baby out right away!

THIRD: I had an epidural which can slow labor down - I won't get one again that's for sure!

FORTH: Elsie's heart rate dropped dramatically after doctor broke my water...

So there were so many reasons that I had to have a c-section I don't think I can necessarily blame anyone or anything. I am thankful she is healthy and I am thankful I was healthy. I've heard of people having emergency sections and not having any pain medications and having to feel most if not all. The surgery due to no anesthesia. My heart goes out to those women!!

Even knowing these reasons - I still have a hard time coping with it... I have read what I've typed several times over and it still makes me wish things could have been different. I was talking with a friend tonight and we made light of the situation because I had such an easy pregnancy, no morning sickness, no complications, I was loving being pregnant - it as such an amazing time of my life- we joked that I was bound to have a horrible birth! Haha not that it's funny really in anyway but humor is a coping skill I use all to often! If I am uncomfortable with something I generally try to make it into a funny situation to avoid really showing my feelings on the topic. Works for me!! Ha!

Also there were so many environmental factors that I know contributed to things - I think you will things to happen sometimes - not that I willed myself to have a c-section but - the doctor had been at the hospital since 7a at least and it was already 12a almost when he broke my water! I think he wanted to go home, he seemed awfully crabby!! My friends were leaving on vacation the next day and I NEEDED her to be in the room with me. She came with video camera ready and tripod to videotape the experience!! I feel bad that she didn't get the experience she hoped for!! We all hoped for. And I was so tired from being in labor for a couple days and not progressing!! I couldn't sleep, I would sleep for like 3 hours maybe at a time - sort of like my life now, just not with contractions!! Also knowing my mom had an emergency c-section and admitting that as an option. People say to write out a birth plan, I don't know that that really would have changed things because no matter what your birth plan states emergencies happen and things don't usually go as planned!!

Tonight we found out that a family friend of Mckenzie's was found murdered in elkhart. Such sad news, hard to believe!! Kenz told her mom about it - she is such a strong person and a wonderful daughter! She didn't want her mom to hear it on the news!! Her mom was very close with the woman. Mckenzie is so upset and I don't know what to say to console her. Elsie was trying to cheer her up, and she fell asleep on Kenz tonight, I know that's what Kenz needed!! Aww!!

Hung out with good friends tonight! Had a really good time talking - girl talk- and feeling loved!! So thankful for today - praying for the McDowell family - may they find peace...

http://m.wsbt.com/display/10089/story/5a9207ffd0f0610e048d5811b95293cf


- I feel this entry is all over the place like my mind today - running low on energy!!

Goodnight!! -Sarah

Day 5:

This blog is proving to be helpful I think. I have been able to visualize my triggers to stressful events. I don't know that I am able to avoid them as you may have noticed yesterdays post proved that!! I just think that at this point I am able to know when I am being triggered and knowing that I am having a panic attack. Thankfully I am able to be honest with McKenzie about things now and shes understanding. It was rough in the beginning of my struggles back in July / August. She didn't understand and I was just angry and bitter toward her - now when I am being angry or bitter she asks me if I am anxious and I usually break down and cry or get defensive. Either way I know that I cannot back out of a conversation and sometimes all I want is someone to ask me about my struggles!! I am sure I could talk for hours about the things that bothered me about my birth story. I would love to talk someones ear off but I'm too afraid to ask because I am not sure when I'll be ready to stop talking and I don't want to make them feel obligated to talk to me.

My mom is coming to visit tomorrow during the day. I am SO happy!! My mother and I have come A LONG way from where were were. Let me give you a little background here;  I came out of the closet at 17 after a 5 day stay in a psychiatric hospital for suicide ideation and self-harm. I told my parents in what I thought was a safe place - if they took it wrong NO ONE would let me kill myself. So they grounded me and I wasn't allowed to have ANY friends over. My entire mother's side of the family is very strict catholics. So naturally I was scared out of my mind to express myself honestly. So me and my mother never really got a long after that. I think that the homosexuality really drove us apart  - she felt it was a phase and I'd grow out of it - she pushed me away and I her just because that was easier than fighting all the time. My mother wanted what every mother wants - grand kids and a wedding etc. - and never thought that would happen now that I've announced by sexuality. I talked to her on several occasions about wanting children and she had told me before that if I tried to bring a child into this world of mine she'd fight me to the death. Obviously that is not possible but she wanted me to know she wouldn't be happy about it. I was terrified come Halloween 2011 when I found out I was pregnant to tell my mother but I knew I needed to. I wanted to. I've always wanted that mother daughter relationship people are always talking about - my mother was more my enemy than my friend for a good part of my life. So I e-mailed because I am the biggest avoider of all things telephone that I'm sure you'll ever meet. I told her that I was pregnant and that if she didn't want to be part of this child's life that she would have to not be part of mine. I may have been pretty aggressive but I wanted her to know that this was the decisions McKenzie and I had made and I did not want negative people in our lives. She told me she had nothing nice to say to me and told me that there is NO GOOD that could come out of this decision. Things changed around January, we still communicated but my mom was not ready to talk about baby at all. I sent her a picture of the ultrasound via email the day we got the pictures and something clicked that day. She saw this life growing inside me and knew that it was her blood - and her grandchild and she has been there for me like no other since then. She has helped out and I couldn't be happier. I did not have a child to bring my mother and I closer - but I am very happy that Elsie has changed our lives for the better. My mother said she is feeling true joy for the first time since my grandmother Stella died - that was in 2004 - Elsie is the most powerful and most amazing gift I've ever received (and she was a gift as her birthday is 11 days before mine).

So my mother visiting is a fun and amazing time!! She spends the weekend sometimes and we stay up there sometimes. Its always fun!! I love every minute I spend with my mom and I am so excited every week. I also get so sad every week that she leaves because I know it will be so long before I see her again. Its been nice to have Elsie know grandma so much - and she loves her grandma!

I saw that I had quite a few views on my blog - that made me a little anxious - I am pretty personal about this but I am also willing to help if I can open someones eyes up. If you read this blog please have good intentions I am honestly pouring my heart out onto this screen - maybe I could make it private but I think its an opportunity for me to open up and be myself - and not be so scared. If you do not like what I am writing or think I am over reacting than please do not read my blog - and move on to someone else's. Thank you and I say this with a kind heart - I would not judge you if you were struggling and I am only asking my viewers to do the same. Thank you!

I'm working tonight, and it was really busy with 3 admissions in the first hour I was here - AHH - but its slowed down now and I am on break eating some food. Speaking of that I have decided to eat more - I know that my weight is no unhealthy but I don't think that I eat enough calories to make enough breast milk. I have been trying to snack all the time and I hope it works - we'll see - I'll also ask my doctor when I see him the 12th. I think that I should probably get back to work now - breaks almost over - its been a boring day - in the eyes of my anxiety and I am thankful for that!!

Here's to another boring day tomorrow!!

Goodnight!! - Sarah

Day 4:

Had a lot of fun today with McKenzie and Elsie!! We paid rent, went to Target, Buffalo Wild Wings, and Walmart for a couple things!! Elsie got to be carried around in the store and saw herself in the mirror by the shoes, she was talking away!! She loved looking at herself!! We were at Buffalo Wild Wings and these two women were sitting behind me at our booth. They were discussing (loudly) about a co-worker who was on bed-rest and due to have a baby in 18 days. One of the women said, "she better not have that blood clot still I they'll do a c-section" and then said, "that's the way to go anyhow, you go in they cut the baby out and you're done!" DONE?! Are you kidding me? It took so much strength to not turn around and give her a bad look!! You are FAR from done after a c-section you have weeks of recovery!! I'm still recovering physically! My first physical restraint at Oaklawn after Elsie was 3 months old made my stomach muscles sore for days!! They RIP with their hands your layer of muscle apart, they make a tiny incision in your muscle layer and one person grabs each side and they pull away from each other to open the muscle layer wide enough!! It's brutal! Apparently I helps with healing if they rip it so the edges are jagged and not smooth! }{ that grows back together better than this ][ it makes since but it's awful to see and to go through.

Mckenzie and I talked about it after they left and she helped me to realize that everyone is different and they do not think the same as me. In my head up until this point had felt alone in my feelings but in the back of my head felt that everyone who had a c-section had these feelings but I just didn't know anyone!! I guess there are a lot of people who have c-sections and are fine. And that is okay! It doesn't make them better or worse than me just different. Mckenzie said that had she gone through the same experience I did she may feel totally different about it. At nice to have her be the rational one sometimes!! Feels good!

THEN we were at k-mart and on the over head it started paying a commercial about waiting until 39 weeks to give birth as brain, lung and heart developments finalize in the last few weeks of pregnancy. Then it said and always try to allow yourself to start labor naturally as that's always better for baby!! Kenz noticed it that time!! I swear I cannot get away from it, we had a good laugh about it actually. I did get anxious at Buffalo Wild Wings and at K-mart But Kenz helped and I was honest with her about my feelings today!! Felt proud of myself!

Talked to a good friend today - my best friend about some things and she always knows how to make me feel better!! She's amazing!! I don't think I can tell her that enough! It's always good to feel that love of a friend and know that she's there for you always! We don't see each other a lot but I can always text or call her and she's always an open ear and its good to have that outlet when I need it!!

McKenzie got her hair cut for be first time at a salon today! Her mom always cut it as she's a cosmetologist - but it's been sort of sloppy and not to kenz's liking lately so she though she'd try it! She was so cute about it and was asking me if I'd take her yogurt her first hair cut- it was adorable!! I am reminded so often of how blessed I am to have her in my life and to have her love me as much as she does!! I'm sort of crazy and she puts up with it well. I love her!

Dealt with some drama tonight but mckenzie and I talked about it and we're not going to let it come between our friendship- life is too short and having people in our lives is important. Especially people we care about. We also talked about doing what's best for our family!! I was able to keep my mind off of things today for the most part - until I was thrown I my face, but with the help of mckenzie I was able to get through the day on minimal panic attacks and in a good mood!!

Had a great day - high hopes for another great one tomorrow!!!

Til Later - Sarah

Day 3

Had a little emotional break down today. We found someone to foster Jaque out to a good home. He's not taking to Elsie so well, he's careless and its not worth the risk to Elsie. We've had him since June of 2006! He's our baby our first baby! He's naughty sometimes but he's a really great dog! I'm worried people will think me irresponsible and judge me for getting rid of him! TRUST me he's done some really naughty things and I didn't get rid of him for those things but my daughters safety is way more important than a dog! I wasn't going to bring him to a shelter I do not want anything bad to happen to him. This friend of mine that will foster him is a great girl! She's such a pet lover she's adopted a cat with FIV and takes care of him! I know she'll love Jaque and take awesome care of him. What bothers me the most is that I will NEVER see him again. I love his sweet face! He smiles, and I LOVE that about him!! He's so sensitive too- he knows when something is wrong and cuddles when you're crying! Aww poor Baby Jaque- we also call him Princess Laya. Haha!! He's got so many names and he's got such a personality! Someone without small children will LOVE him as a companion and he'll love them so much back!! I secretly hope he doesn't love anyone like he loves me and Kenz but I know that's not something I can control or rightfully ask for!!

Did something really good for myself today!! I called my doctor and made an appointment to talk about my issues. I told them I'm having post-partum issues and also some post traumatic issues from my c-section. I want to still be able to nurse so I trust my doctor will not put me on anything that I can't breastfeed while taking.

I was very anxious today while watching a tv show that we rented. The woman on the show found out she was pregnant and I started to panic. McKenzie knew something was bothering me and I was just too embarrassed to ask. This makes me think of when I was having issues with hurting myself! I never want McKenzie to feel like she is tip toeing around me. And I feel like when I tell her I'm anxious she feels like she needs to baby me. I know she understands the anxious all the time feeling and I should open up to her. I just want to be treated normal!! If I could just feel normal and not be so screwed up I the head every day I'd be great I'd feel better off and I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on my daughters life. That is why this doctors appointment is so important for me. This will be my saving grace!! My doctor (who is also Elsie's doctor) is awesome, thorough, and I know he honestly has Elsie and my best interest in mind. It's awesome too because he is also McKenzie's doctor!! He knows our situation and he's okay with it! It's important to me to have a doctor that knows me without any secrets - that's a doctor that is going to help you.

Elsie is starting to roll around - she doesn't get all the way over every time but she's so close!! She moves like crazy all over the place now, she's so amazing!! She seriously cracks me up! She turned the DVD/VHS player from walking dead DVD show to VHS Cinderella!!! And then looked back at McKenzie and I at the couch and laughed!! She was so excited and proud of herself!!

I was supposed to have an interview at Bashor tonight... I couldn't bring myself to go to it!! I am so happy to be done at Oaklawn at least with the residential! I have been so happy since I don't work there anymore. That place was so awesome to me in 2008-2009. I grew so much as a person. I am WAY more open minded, understanding, assertive, and outgoing than I ever was before in my entire life! I am so thankful and grateful to Oaklawn for the skills it has taught me. I know that I will use those skills as a parent and I am thankful to have been part of the organization. I think once the DBT unit closed down and we didn't focus so much on those individuals I lost hope in Oaklawn! The DBT was my favorite program ever! I put so much effort and time into the unit! I was there where those girls were I wanted to help them and that was The ONLY time at Oaklawn I felt useful and felt that I actually helped save some girls lives! It was such an amazing feeling, and since then I never felt good about my job. It suddenly wasn't about the kids anymore!! Now that I am back in a hospital working I feel as if there is purpose!! I help people get better - in an entirely different way now but it's purposeful!! I don't feel taken advantage of by my supervisors!! I love my job!! And I need to get healthy mentally so I can be happy in all aspects of my life. I have nothing to be angry about in my life, I have a beautiful daughter, a loving wife, a healthy relationship, my own health and I am doing well for myself!!

This is me being thankful in my own melancholy way of living, but today I am thankful, anxious & sad, but thankful!!

Goodnight,
Sarah

Day 2

Today was a more anxiety filled day... Definitely NOT better than yesterday. BUT that's okay, I'm okay with that! Got up with Elsie this morning and nursed her, pumped after to make sure to be empty - not impressed with my milk output! Thankful I've been able to supply more than enough milk until now... I've been researching fenugreek and I bought some today from the co-op hopefully it will help me produce more milk! I have a TON frozen so if not she'll get at least a couple months more milk with what's frozen! I want to be able to breastfeed until she's 12 months, I feel that I've failed if I don't get to. At this point the only thing (in my head) that my body has done successfully in terms of birth and beyond is milk production. If I fail at that then I'm not sure how I'll handle that. So I'm doing what I can to help myself with that and I'm starting with herbal remedies first before going with a Rx from the doctor.

Today started with the mail...we got an invite to a friend of McKenzie's baby shower. I feel like I got anxious because I thought about my baby shower - and I remember obviously still being pregnant and having control over my labor at that point!! I was 32 weeks pregnant at my baby shower and I was nowhere near going into labor and having a c-section. I still struggle with that feeling of no control and being strapped down! It flashes through my head daily! I constantly (I feel like) relive that moment . My mom wasn't in the OR with me at that point, they didn't let her in yet... I was alone, scared, and completely out of control! I think I was experiencing a state of shock at that point. ALSO during my surgery the doctors talked about going to the 4H county fair and getting food... I cannot fathom this! I am lying here my dreams of my labor and delivery being crushed and sliced to pieces (literally and figuratively) before their eyes, and they are ONLY worried about going to the fair and eating a god damn pork tenderloin sandwich and some mini donuts! Makes me sick!!

I was so angry with my doctor, Dr. S, after the c-section! He was very impersonal during labor. I was so nervous to face him at my 2 week post op appointment. When I got there we had to wait a while, and then then asked if I could reschedule because he just got called in for an emergency c-section (immediate panic attack!) no I didn't want to reschedule so I was able to see the other doctor... He gave me a onesie from my delivering doctor that said "my first hug was from " ugh made me sick!! I NEVER wanted her to wear it!! - I made an appointment for my 6 weeks to get my work release form. That appointment was when I knew I needed help! I still didn't see the doctor that operated on me. I walked in hoping to get some help mentally about the c-section. He told me that my placenta was indeed beginning to detach and that was why my water had blood in it, and why baby was not doing good in terms of her heart rate... So that made me know that the surgery was necessary. I talked about breastfeeding a little and he got about 2 sentences out and his cellphone rang. He answered it and I heard someone say "blah blah blah 5cms to 8cms" he told me he had to leave because be has someone in labor at the hospital ready to deliver. He told me he'd sign my release form to return to work and left the room... I went straight into a panic attack I wanted out of that office so fast... I walked out of the room and a nurse stopped me and asked what I needed I told her the doctor had to leave and I was done. She kind of looked at me weird and gave me a paper and I left. I didn't check out and didn't reschedule! I didn't get to talk to the doctor about my depression, or my flashbacks, or the nerve pain NOTHING!! But all I knew was I wanted far away from that place. I drove down the street to a middle school and parked in the parking lot for a few minutes... Calmed down and headed home. I made a counseling session that day...

Sometimes I try to think about what it felt like to have Elsie move inside me... I don't remember exactly, but I miss it!! I miss that feeling so bad!! I miss the control I had over that situation and I am BROKEN now that I lost so much control and I feel that I may never regain it! I have struggled with depression my ENTIRE life! I've NEVER felt this depressed in my life - this is such a new feeling however! Never before have I experienced any specific event that has caused me this much pain and suffering (emotionally and physically) and I don't quite know how to best handle it. I feel that I am doing my best and I am trying new outlets and I hope that things will look up, I've just never been this happy and this sad at the same time and I think that's the part that's making me feel like I am losing my mind!! All I want to do us cry and smile at the same time!! And I'm not at the point where I've figured out if there is more to cry about or more to smile about!! And not knowing that makes me feel like a horrible mother!!

I want to get better - no I NEED to get better for Elsie! For McKenzie! For ME!! And I will - I am being honest with myself at least and I'm opening up... It's a start and I can only hope to progress. I am strong!! I can and I will do this!!

Til later - Sarah

Day 1

Welcome to my first actual day of blogging!! Today was actually a really good day considering everything in the last post! I had one tiny anxiety attack moment today during Dr Phil! They interviewed a lady that had ten children! Just thinking about going through my birth 10 times!! Ugh! (I know no doctor would perform 10 c-sections on a woman and that's what made me anxious was knowing she had at least five natural births) I was jealous...

But I got I spend so much quality time with my Elsie and McKenzie! We went to the store to run some errands -I actually got to push the cart for a little bit too!! It was fun! Got some stuff to finish DIY Christmas decorations - put the tree topper on the Christmas tree! Made an appointment to get our first family photo shoot done Saturday!! Oh! And we bought Elsie her very first Christmas gift!! It's interesting at the things I get excited over.

I keep getting told I'm losing too much weight and that bothers me a lot! I feel that my body has changed in many ways; yes I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant but I feel that my body looks more womanly. I feel my hips are wider, my boobs are bigger (for now). I feel that I look like a mother and not a young lady or for goodness sake a teenage boy anymore!! I eat my recommended calories and I take a daily vitamin! I will check with my doctor but I don't feel that I am too skinny! I've struggled with body image in the past. it's a weird feeling to be confident with your body (for once in my life) and proud of the changes my body has made and the new marks that accompanied these changes and then to be given the impression it doesn't look very good. I'm at a loss!

I am proud of my stretch marks and my "not so trimmed" belly... But I have a hard time seeing my c-section scar and feeling content in any way however. I had issues with self harm in high school (and unfortunately my all too recent past) and I have many scars from myself on my thighs and hips, I HATE to look at them because it upsets me and makes me think of those times of my life! McKenzie says she loves my scars and that it shows my struggles and she's proud of who I am and that I've made it through what I did and the scars show my struggle. I see my c-section scar as "just another scar" to be insecure about. I have no desire for anything sexual because I'm afraid of the nerve pain that may follow. The pain is awful when even just lightly touched near my scar! I know with time I'll learn to accept it and with time and more healing time the nerve pain with dissipate or I will just get used to it and not notice it anymore.

Elsie fell asleep on me twice tonight, that is one of the most gratifying feelings when Elsie falls asleep in my arms. Almost every time she falls asleep on me she talks like crazy to me, and rubs my face. Sometimes she just wants to hold my hand and talk to me and then she'll fall asleep. Knowing that she feels comfortable and safe enough to let go and sleep so soundly is such an amazing feeling!! I would never think one ill thought of her and I know she knows that! She's the funniest and the most amazing person and she's only 4 months old! Not sure how she can get any more amazing!!

So to sum things up - overall really good day!! Happy to have had the day off don't work again until Friday night. Proud of myself today and tomorrow I can only have hope it will be great - if not better than great!!

Til later- Sarah

Introduction!!

Hello - My name is Sarah. I am 26 years old. I have a 4 month old daughter named Elsie. She is my life. I am in a domestic partnership wtih my partner of 6 years (7 in March).

I have been struggling since July with some post partum and post traumatic stress disorder issues from the birth of my daughter. I was given an emergency c-section, after 12 hours of labor with her. It was devestating for me as I wanted a vaginal birth SO bad. I dreamed of that moment when I would demonstrate my womanly duties. I feel like there is NO greater feeling than to birth a child yourself. Yes I carried her for 9 months and created all the necessary vital organs etc for her - and for that I am amazed at myself. But I have always thought of pregnancy as such an amazing thing - and always wanted to experience it and labor and birth (vaginal birth) are all part of that experience.

My mother had two c-sections with my brother and I, I wanted SO badly to NOT follow in her footsteps. I was so prepared to have a natural childbirth (I wanted the epidural but natural in the sense of no surgery). I guess that I will elaborate on my childbirth experience for you. This is how my FAILED vaginal birth happened... <sigh>

My date was July 6, 2012. I started to have contractions June 27, 2012. I went into the hospital due to them being 5 mins apart for 2+ hours. When I got there I was not dilated at all, but having consistent contractions. I was unable to dilate even after walking for an hour around the hospital. They told me I was having good contractions (time wise) but not having strong enough contractions to dilate my cervix. Needless to say they sent me home, and I went on maternity leave as my doctor called this "early labor" and stated that labor could start any day now. I stopped having contractions consistently and I was able to relax - I was only 38+5 so it was good they stopped then, as I wanted to make it to 39weeks at least. SO contractions started back up June 30, 2012. These ones were MUCH worse than before and about 3 or 4 minutes apart for a LONG time. I went back into the hospital - NO DILATION- and they sent me home again. UGH I was about sick of these "practice" contractions as they called them.

    I had an appointment on July 3, 2012 and I talked to my doctor about induction - asked him when it would happen since my due date was a couple days away. He joking said christmas eve - but told me he'd schedule my induction for July 12, 2012 - in his experience when he scheduled inductions the mother goes into labor naturally before being induced. So I continue to wait...impatiently. I start having BAD contractions July 9, 2012. I couldn't sleep through them - I was crying but refused to go to the hospital because I knew they would send me home - I vowed that I would only go into the hospital IF and WHEN my waters broke. That felt like it happened - so we went into the hospital AGAIN - they sent me home - I was not a happy Mama!! I begged for something for pain - they gave me abien!! I refused to take that becuase I've heard horror stories about women taking it at the beginning of labor and waking up to their waters breaking and hallucinating during labor - I was NOT about to deal with that I wanted to be present and alert during my labor and birth!! So I took a combination of tylenol and benadryl to help me sleep - I'd sleep for a few hours at a time and get up eat and then sleep again... I woke up wednesday evening almost thursday morning (the day before my induction) with blood dripping out of me. I was freaked out so I called the hospital and they told me it was probably my mucus plug and that was a good thing - but to wait until my waters broke or it was filling a pad in an hour before coming in - or until thursday at 7am for my induction.

     At 6:30am I receive a phone call from teh hospital saying they need to postpone my induction! I was SO mad!! They were able to get me in at 12pm. So there I was with my Mom, partner, and Best friend at 12pm - ready to have this baby!! They got me checked in and checked my cervix - only at 1cm!! after days of crazy contractions that was it!! ugh! Nurse placed cytotek suppository at 2:00pm. Checked me again at 6pm and I was at 3-4cm!! YAY!! So they started pitocin at 6:30pm and that was INTENSE!! VERY painful contractions - checked me again at 9:30pm I was 4cm. I asked for an epidural got it, then I tried to rest a little bit. Doctor checked me at 11:30pm still only at 4cm. Doctor broke my waters. Then stuff got scary!!

   Doctor broke my waters and baby did NOT like it. Her heart rate dropped with each contraction - it would go as low at 50 some times. Doctor didn't like it kept an eye on it - put me on oxygen and tried to turn me to different sides to help baby out. NOT happening. Baby keep decelerating heart beat. Doctor said at 12:50am that we needed to get baby out!! EMERGENCY C-SECTION STYLE!! I was rushed into an OR naked - and strapped down given some sort of gas via oxygen mask to make me "loopy" I was too anxious for it to make me loopy at all!! I was so scared - had NO idea what to expect. Signed C-Section papers at 1:10am and Elsie was born at 1:20am. She had apgar scores of 9 and 9! She was beautiful and healthy!! I was healthy - sewed me up and sent me down the hall to my room with Elsie in my arms! Met Mommy #2 in the room!! we had an hour alone with her then my mom, McKenzie's Mom and our best friend came in to see her - Everyone finally left at about 3am! tried to get some sleep - Had a hard time healing VERY painful.

So thats it! and here I am today struggling each and everyday to keep myself NOT having panic attacks. I cannot see a pregnant woman in the store without thinking about how her birth will be...I NEVER hope that anyone's birth is like mine! I was terrified and felt so out of control. I am someone who likes to have control in their life. I lost a lot of control in my teenage years and into my twenties with drugs and alcohol and I am very particular with having control of things I do now. When I was rushed into that operating room and strapped down and MY body cut apart - sure I signed consent forms but I had NO option!! There was never any discussion as to what exactly that meant for me. I know that my c-section saved my daughters life and I am not angry that I had one. I am just cheated and I missed out on an experience I have been dreaming of since I can remember!! And that is hard to swallow...

I am very open to advice and encouraging words. If anyone has experienced something similar - please relate!! I'd LOVE to not feel so alone. I know there are many women out there who ahve experienced emergency c-sections - but I feel like this anxiety and anger and depression is lasting longer than I'd like it to and longer than I think it normally should. I am 20 weeks post-op friday and I am still feeling nerve pain which makes me emotionally break down. I can forget for a short while about the trauma and then the nerves shoot pain across my abdomen and I relive the entire experience. I need help - so here I am asking for it!!

Thank you for the time - I'll write again tomorrow...