Friday, February 14, 2014

Day 45:

So a little change of pace here for our family. It has been a decision in making and its been a long stressful discussion. BUT we've decided to wait at least another year before we have another baby. We feel this is the best decision for our family. Elsie is new on this pump and we want to make sure to have a good grasp on it - I also would like Elsie to understand more what being a big sister means. We just want to enjoy our family of three for a little bit longer. I think that this decision has made me realize that I have healed from my traumatic birth experience and I am okay with the fact that I didn't have a vaginal birth and I'm no longer in a hurry to prove that I can have a vaginal birth. I know I'll have my VBAC with our next child but I don't need to be selfish with my own desires and make that happen right now! I want a bigger family and so does McKenzie but right now is just not the right time to make that happen.

There have been several "signs" if you will, that have helped make this decision and I think we tried to overlook them because we wanted to badly to have another one. But time is our friend and time will only better prepare our family, my body, and my mind to have a better birth next time around.

My heart has been sad for the last week or so... Someone so dear to me - I will not mention names - has discovered her husband was cheating on her. Worse yet it was with at least one man - possibly more. My heart aches for the heartache she feels. She has a child with him and a house and its so utterly heartbreaking. I cannot imagine cheating on McKenzie - I am so angered by this situation as well because he did communicate his feelings with her before acting on them. I am a strong advocate for communication. I have learned throughout my relationships that communication is the key to a successful marriage or even friendship at that. I never had good communication with previous relationships like I do with McKenzie - and NONE of them were remotely successful. ONE lasted about 3 years but there was little faithfulness involved from my part in that relationship. I just could not imagine sharing the intimacy I share with McKenzie with ANYONE else in the whole world. I have prayed every night for her to find healing in her heart. I know she is so saddened by this as anyone would expect - and I try to help and be there - but I feel I don't do enough. Part of it is I don't know what I should do or shouldn't do. Do I bash her husband and tell her bad things? Do I hug her and reinforce the love they once had? Do I sympathize with her feelings for him still? I've never been in this situation before and I feel I am not handling as a best friend would / should. I have nothing but hatred for her husband - he has personally attacked me and McKenzie recently - so sympathizing would be hard for me to do.

On a happier note my best friend Britt got engaged to Micah on Tuesday! So exciting. This will be the first wedding I've ever been in (other than as a flower girl) and Elsie will be her flower girl!! How exciting!!! Our whole family of three will be in this wedding!! I am beyond happy and excited for her to marry the man of her dreams!! Micah being one of our best friends too its absolutely amazing to know them both so well and to see them share this excitement and this new page in their book its amazing!! I cannot wait to celebrate this day with her!! She deserves this so much!! YAY Britt!!

Well I supposed that is all that is on my mind. Today is Valentines Day! I made 18 homemade valentine cards for McKenzie and have placed them in random spots all over the house!! Hope she likes it!!

Til Later,