Thursday, December 13, 2012

Day 16:

First day i missed in terms of blogging was yesterday! and it was such a crazy day! i worked 12 hours and I came home and had visitors, not that I minded but it was definitely last minute plans and I would have really liked to have had a relaxing evening. I do hate the days that we're busy after I get off work because I don't really get much time with Elsie. But I only work 3 days a week, so I really cannot complain.

VERY anxious lately - all I can think about is my doctors appointment tomorrow at 10:30am!! I cannot beleive that I am finally going to talk to a doctor about my issues and hopefully get some help!!! I am scared that I am going to not make it sound as bad as it is. I have a list of things to bring up to my doctor - I cannot afford to skip anything. I am one of those people who doesn't really like to go to the doctor and so I make the MOST out of my doctors appointments. This is my first doctors appointment with this doctor but it is also McKenzie and Elsie's doctor too!! So he knows all of us and is very supportive of us as a family!! I know I have mentioned this before about him.

There are 3 nurses at work that are pregnant! They are all talking about their pregnancies and their past pregnancies. I walk away from these conversations when they happen, but I feel like these conversations continue to happen - NO MATTER where I am!!! I know that pregnancy is going to happen regardless of if I get anxious about it. I watched a TV show last night and this lady went into labor and delivered twins, vaginally, and I was SUPER anxious!! BUT I had company over that I was not terribly comfortable with and I wanted to hide the fact that I was super anxious!! McKenzie text me during the part of show and asked "you okay with this" she is amazing! she knows me, and I didnt have my phone on me so I didn't get to see the text until later after they had left. I am so lucky to have her in my life!! She has come a long way since when I first started feeling like this - this whole Post partum PTSD hit myself like a ton of bricks but I cannot imagine how kenz felt because she couldn't even feel it coming on and I did.

ELSIE IS 5 MONTHS OLD TODAY!!! I cannot believe its been 5 months!! This has seriously been the most amazing, stressful, scary, change filled months of my life!! Since July 1st the following things have happened in my life;

- Went on maternity leave (first "vacation like" break from work in almost 5 years.
- delivered a baby after a scary emergency c-section
- struggled with Post Partum Depression
- experienced Post Partum Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- moved from full time to part time at Oaklawn
- got a job at goshen hospital part time
- got fired from my job at oaklawn (then asked to stay as CPR instructor still)
- got full time at the hospital

WOW I feel like that list (to me) is overwhelming!! I cannot imagine these things all happening while I am trying to cope with my feelings. I was MOST stressed about my labor and delivery but so many changes happened during such a short amount of time I am not sure how I kept my head on straight - or if it even is - haven't had much time to look in the mirror lately. haha!!

No matter how much I try I cannot bring myself to miss oaklawn!! haha - I think about two of the resident's that I was fairly close to and I hope they try to communicate with me when they leave oaklawn. But I do not miss all the politcal bullsh*t that comes along with the place. when I first started there they treated me like gold - I advanced so fast - I went from MHT to MHA then LEAD in 9 months. I could have gottene UC at that point but I didn't know if I was ready for it - but now when I think back I know that this person was asking me to take over because he had me run an intershift and everything - I should have went for it then - but I don't know where I'd be now if I had. I was moved all over the place there to "help out" where they needed help - they even paid me more to work on a shitty unit and "fix it up" the people I worked with at that time were awesome and we had so much fun and we all worked together really well. Then they filled our unit with 12 girls who wanted to kill themselves and hardly gave us enough staff to keep them safe - then made us co-ed and then started to shit on me!! I was no longer given the chance for advancement. I don't want to use my sexuality as a crutch BUT since this certain individual knew about my relationship with a woman - his whols attitude toward me changed - and I no longer advanced. I tried to tell myself that there was always a reason why I would get my dreams crushed when I couldn't advance and try to make sense of their reasoning as to why I couldn't. I was once told I had poor boundaries with the residents - which I know is not true - I have never had poor boundaries. I cared about those children so much, it was never in an inappropirate way EVER!!!! But until I got a job offer from goshen hospital I never truly believed there was a reason that I didn't advance. now I am thankful that I never did because I have been given this opportunity to advance so much more in my life not just my job with this new job here at goshen.

So tonight I am going to try to ignore my anxiety about tomorrow and keep myself distracted until my appointment.

Wish me luck and I am definitely going to be blogging tomorrow about my actual physical steps toward a full recovery emotionally from my c-section!!

Til Later

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