Day 2

Today was a more anxiety filled day... Definitely NOT better than yesterday. BUT that's okay, I'm okay with that! Got up with Elsie this morning and nursed her, pumped after to make sure to be empty - not impressed with my milk output! Thankful I've been able to supply more than enough milk until now... I've been researching fenugreek and I bought some today from the co-op hopefully it will help me produce more milk! I have a TON frozen so if not she'll get at least a couple months more milk with what's frozen! I want to be able to breastfeed until she's 12 months, I feel that I've failed if I don't get to. At this point the only thing (in my head) that my body has done successfully in terms of birth and beyond is milk production. If I fail at that then I'm not sure how I'll handle that. So I'm doing what I can to help myself with that and I'm starting with herbal remedies first before going with a Rx from the doctor.

Today started with the mail...we got an invite to a friend of McKenzie's baby shower. I feel like I got anxious because I thought about my baby shower - and I remember obviously still being pregnant and having control over my labor at that point!! I was 32 weeks pregnant at my baby shower and I was nowhere near going into labor and having a c-section. I still struggle with that feeling of no control and being strapped down! It flashes through my head daily! I constantly (I feel like) relive that moment . My mom wasn't in the OR with me at that point, they didn't let her in yet... I was alone, scared, and completely out of control! I think I was experiencing a state of shock at that point. ALSO during my surgery the doctors talked about going to the 4H county fair and getting food... I cannot fathom this! I am lying here my dreams of my labor and delivery being crushed and sliced to pieces (literally and figuratively) before their eyes, and they are ONLY worried about going to the fair and eating a god damn pork tenderloin sandwich and some mini donuts! Makes me sick!!

I was so angry with my doctor, Dr. S, after the c-section! He was very impersonal during labor. I was so nervous to face him at my 2 week post op appointment. When I got there we had to wait a while, and then then asked if I could reschedule because he just got called in for an emergency c-section (immediate panic attack!) no I didn't want to reschedule so I was able to see the other doctor... He gave me a onesie from my delivering doctor that said "my first hug was from " ugh made me sick!! I NEVER wanted her to wear it!! - I made an appointment for my 6 weeks to get my work release form. That appointment was when I knew I needed help! I still didn't see the doctor that operated on me. I walked in hoping to get some help mentally about the c-section. He told me that my placenta was indeed beginning to detach and that was why my water had blood in it, and why baby was not doing good in terms of her heart rate... So that made me know that the surgery was necessary. I talked about breastfeeding a little and he got about 2 sentences out and his cellphone rang. He answered it and I heard someone say "blah blah blah 5cms to 8cms" he told me he had to leave because be has someone in labor at the hospital ready to deliver. He told me he'd sign my release form to return to work and left the room... I went straight into a panic attack I wanted out of that office so fast... I walked out of the room and a nurse stopped me and asked what I needed I told her the doctor had to leave and I was done. She kind of looked at me weird and gave me a paper and I left. I didn't check out and didn't reschedule! I didn't get to talk to the doctor about my depression, or my flashbacks, or the nerve pain NOTHING!! But all I knew was I wanted far away from that place. I drove down the street to a middle school and parked in the parking lot for a few minutes... Calmed down and headed home. I made a counseling session that day...

Sometimes I try to think about what it felt like to have Elsie move inside me... I don't remember exactly, but I miss it!! I miss that feeling so bad!! I miss the control I had over that situation and I am BROKEN now that I lost so much control and I feel that I may never regain it! I have struggled with depression my ENTIRE life! I've NEVER felt this depressed in my life - this is such a new feeling however! Never before have I experienced any specific event that has caused me this much pain and suffering (emotionally and physically) and I don't quite know how to best handle it. I feel that I am doing my best and I am trying new outlets and I hope that things will look up, I've just never been this happy and this sad at the same time and I think that's the part that's making me feel like I am losing my mind!! All I want to do us cry and smile at the same time!! And I'm not at the point where I've figured out if there is more to cry about or more to smile about!! And not knowing that makes me feel like a horrible mother!!

I want to get better - no I NEED to get better for Elsie! For McKenzie! For ME!! And I will - I am being honest with myself at least and I'm opening up... It's a start and I can only hope to progress. I am strong!! I can and I will do this!!

Til later - Sarah