Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Day 19:

So I don't know if I mentioned what the outcome of the doctors visit was in terms of my plan of action for getting through this post partum and PTSD. Doctor agreed that I am experiencing PTSD. He wanted to try a medication that was used more so in the past called Buspirone, but there weren't really any studies done to know if it was safe for breastfeeding mothers. SO he decided to not go with that!! He put me on Zoloft, which I've been on before and I was concerned with feeling "zombie - ish" I was on it before and I took it with another medication and it made me feel very delayed etc. He said he'd start me on a low dose of it - 1/2 the average dose of it. I feel much better about him starting low and moving up rather than starting high and moving down - I really don't want to feel like I did before!!
He referred me to a Psychologist - to try a treatment plan with her involving EMDR. He told me that his wife experiences PTSD and she had A LOT of success with EMDR therapy. I am very hopeful and so is my doctor which makes me feel much better - and more confident!
Back to work this week - can't believe its going to be Christmas in about a week!! Oh how the year has flown by. It feels like a few months ago I found out I was going to have a baby - and now its been a year!! Crazy!!
I have been feeling less anxious lately - feeling less like a failure - still having flashbacks - and some jealousy issues about women who are pregnant - I wish I was still so that I could relive the labor and maybe it would be different!! I know that there is nothing that could have changed how things ended up - but in my head I cannot cope with the fact of what happened! Not only do I feel robbed but I feel extremely violated!! I remember being taken down the hallway - and I couldn't feel my lower body except for wind or pressure - But it felt as if my entire gown was up around my chest and there were so many people in the hallway preparing me for surgery on my way to the operating room! I was brought into the white room - it was freezing in there and there were more strange people - and I was naked in front of them all - I never officially met any of them. I didn't know what they were actually there for. I know that it was emergency but I feel like things should have been explained - Thankfully my mother was there to tell me what to expect. I just still remember hearing the words - "we need to get baby out" - and then a rush of people into the room and they were shaving me and putting an oxygen mask on me and rushing me around - I cried and I know my heart rate skyrocketed because I was so scared and anxious!! I had NO idea what to expect and I definitely didn't expect all this to happen afterward!!
As much as I do trust my doctor, I had to research about Zoloft. I just wanted to make sure it was okay with breastfeeding and it is - its actually one of the more prefered antidepressants during breastfeeding. I guess it has a minimal excretion into breastmilk. I just want to know what to expect if anything should come up. I do NOT want to put any stress or anything on Elsie - So if that means that I need to cope with this free of meds I will do that. I know I'd be able to but I think it would be faster if I used medications, and I'm hoping to resolve this fairly soon!! I would like to enjoy my life again!! I am loving life but I know that there is more to love - and I cannot wait to experience ALL that motherhood has to offer!!
This is me feeling ever so hopeful!!
 - Sarah

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