Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 18:

Mom visited Friday night and stayed until Saturday! So nice to have her here - she let mckenzie and I sleep in until about 11am which was SO nice!! Especially since I've been working first shift it felt good to sleep past like 8am!! Haha!!

Talked to my mom about my doctors appointment. And she doesn't share the same feelings I do about my c-section as hers. When I said, I didn't fail- and that it as out of my control, she said "no you didn't fail she's right here and she's healthy and beautiful!" She laughed a few times but then she said some words - I feel like I've waited to hear since I was 14 and starts dealing with depression, she said "I'm sorry I shouldn't laugh, IT'S REAL AND YOU FEEL IT, THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, I just don't understand." For her to tell me it's real and my feelings are real and they are not hers but they are mine and I'm not wrong OMG it felt amazing to finally hear that validation. I always felt as if she never understood and I never felt like she tried to. I see how much progress she's made and it makes me feel so good!! I'm so proud of her!!

Her and mckenzie talked about how my brother and I are so similar, how when we have something significant in our lives happen that we dwell on it for a long time, we research and obsess about it almost, which is Exactly what I am doing with this situation. But it's my coping mechanism, it's how I move past things - maybe I takes me longer but what I is I am going through I want to know all there is know I want to know what treatment is available and how to beat succeed a treatment. I don't know how I am going to afford treatment to be honest but I know something will work out , it always does.

Going to sleep now... Work tomorrow - first day with out new uniforms!! YAY!!

Night - Sarah

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