Monday, December 3, 2012

Day 8:

We had a doctors appointment with Elsie this morning. She weighs 16.6lbs, 25 1/2 inches long. She's grown soo much!! She was so happy when we got to the office then we had to wait over an hour to see the doctor and she fell asleep!! Then the doctor did her assessment and she slept through it. The medical assistant came in and have her 3 shots and an oral vaccine - she cried but was such a trooper!! I'm so proud of her! She's so sweet!!

We got home from our appointment and I had a voice mail from my supervisor at Goshen Hospital. I called her back because I had put in a transfer request to go to full time, she was calling me to tell me that she approved for me to switch to full time and I could start this week! It's on first shift!! I'm so excited and I am so happy!! Mckenzie and I have been worrying about money etc, and things seems to be heading in the right directions!!

I'm going to get things figure out with my head and take care of all that and I think we'll be golden!! Oh I cannot express how grateful I am right now and how proud of mckenzie and I I am!! I knew being a mother would be amazing but I NEVER thought it would be this awesome.

So basically nothing came of googling my mood pressure - I figured I was alright - I'm not passing out or anything - I do get dizzy a lot and feel like I may fall over I always thought it was just my anxiety - maybe not - I'll add it to the list I'm taking to my doctor next Wednesday.

Elsie fed herself a whole bottle today!! 4oz!! We got these new little bottles that hold 5oz instead of 8oz and she grabbed it and held it the entire bottle!! How cute!!

My mom was so happy for me to get full time!! She want me to finish nursing school!! I WILL!! I just need to work on a few of the current loans I have before I take on anymore!! Ugh!! It will happen I'm hoping next fall or spring '14 hopefully but we'll see!!

Went to target to get new bedding for our new bed!! Yay!! Finally!! So anyway Kenz pointed out a nurse from the hospital where I had Elsie - this nurse was AMAZING!! I kid you not! She took such great care of me and Elsie and was alway there to answer any questions mckenzie and I had. She even sat down with us and talked about things. Part of me wanted to stop her in the store and say "do you remember me?!" But then I thought of how I'd explain myself is she didn't remember me. I'd find myself saying, "I'm the one that failed at giving birth - I'm the c-section girl!" When in reality I'm sure they have a lot of c-sections that come through and that would NOT be my identifier to her. I'm such a freak! So needless to say, I got anxious and worked up and had some flashbacks and was mean to Kenz! The worst part about it was Kenz felt BAD that she pointed her out - Kenz really liked her and knew I liked her too!! It's no fair that mckenzie can't say things like that without me freaking out! Im so sorry!! It's gotta get better!! I hope Kenz will be patient with me!! I don't know what to do without her. She's my best friend and the love of my life... I know that this is so hard on her and I am trying - I know it doesn't look like it but I am!! I pray everyday that she finds it in her heart to forgive me for my actions these last 5 months!!

Kenz and I talked about my surgery the other night - I love when she lets me talk about it! :) We discussed that right after they wheeled me into my recovery room after surgery, the nurse checking my vitals every 5 minutes (at least it felt like that), I asked her if ill always have I have a c-section now that I've had one. She told me about VBAC and told me that Goshen hospital is a hospital that accepts them and some hospitals do not. She said some doctors don't allow it either. I just thought it was interesting that my first questions right out of surgery were about whether or not my birth plan may be able to work out the right way for me ever in the future!! I should have seen this shit storm of PPD and PTSD coming!! Good lord!!

Rough day emotionally - for Kenz too because I always take it out on her, poor thing. I also have a hard time admitting that I took it out on her because I feel embarrassed as ashamed that I can't handle my own shit!! Ugh!! I get so mad sometimes and just need a break from my own mind, and the worst part about feeling that is knowing that I will NEVER get a break from the thoughts in my head, I'll never get to not think about my c-section for a day - at least for the foreseeable future!! And that is the saddest part of my day!!

Am I just feeling sorry for myself? And I being selfish? Can't I just stop already?

FML I need help!!


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