I have been struggling since July with some post partum and post traumatic stress disorder issues from the birth of my daughter. I was given an emergency c-section, after 12 hours of labor with her. It was devestating for me as I wanted a vaginal birth SO bad. I dreamed of that moment when I would demonstrate my womanly duties. I feel like there is NO greater feeling than to birth a child yourself. Yes I carried her for 9 months and created all the necessary vital organs etc for her - and for that I am amazed at myself. But I have always thought of pregnancy as such an amazing thing - and always wanted to experience it and labor and birth (vaginal birth) are all part of that experience.
My mother had two c-sections with my brother and I, I wanted SO badly to NOT follow in her footsteps. I was so prepared to have a natural childbirth (I wanted the epidural but natural in the sense of no surgery). I guess that I will elaborate on my childbirth experience for you. This is how my FAILED vaginal birth happened... <sigh>
My date was July 6, 2012. I started to have contractions June 27, 2012. I went into the hospital due to them being 5 mins apart for 2+ hours. When I got there I was not dilated at all, but having consistent contractions. I was unable to dilate even after walking for an hour around the hospital. They told me I was having good contractions (time wise) but not having strong enough contractions to dilate my cervix. Needless to say they sent me home, and I went on maternity leave as my doctor called this "early labor" and stated that labor could start any day now. I stopped having contractions consistently and I was able to relax - I was only 38+5 so it was good they stopped then, as I wanted to make it to 39weeks at least. SO contractions started back up June 30, 2012. These ones were MUCH worse than before and about 3 or 4 minutes apart for a LONG time. I went back into the hospital - NO DILATION- and they sent me home again. UGH I was about sick of these "practice" contractions as they called them.
I had an appointment on July 3, 2012 and I talked to my doctor about induction - asked him when it would happen since my due date was a couple days away. He joking said christmas eve - but told me he'd schedule my induction for July 12, 2012 - in his experience when he scheduled inductions the mother goes into labor naturally before being induced. So I continue to wait...impatiently. I start having BAD contractions July 9, 2012. I couldn't sleep through them - I was crying but refused to go to the hospital because I knew they would send me home - I vowed that I would only go into the hospital IF and WHEN my waters broke. That felt like it happened - so we went into the hospital AGAIN - they sent me home - I was not a happy Mama!! I begged for something for pain - they gave me abien!! I refused to take that becuase I've heard horror stories about women taking it at the beginning of labor and waking up to their waters breaking and hallucinating during labor - I was NOT about to deal with that I wanted to be present and alert during my labor and birth!! So I took a combination of tylenol and benadryl to help me sleep - I'd sleep for a few hours at a time and get up eat and then sleep again... I woke up wednesday evening almost thursday morning (the day before my induction) with blood dripping out of me. I was freaked out so I called the hospital and they told me it was probably my mucus plug and that was a good thing - but to wait until my waters broke or it was filling a pad in an hour before coming in - or until thursday at 7am for my induction.
At 6:30am I receive a phone call from teh hospital saying they need to postpone my induction! I was SO mad!! They were able to get me in at 12pm. So there I was with my Mom, partner, and Best friend at 12pm - ready to have this baby!! They got me checked in and checked my cervix - only at 1cm!! after days of crazy contractions that was it!! ugh! Nurse placed cytotek suppository at 2:00pm. Checked me again at 6pm and I was at 3-4cm!! YAY!! So they started pitocin at 6:30pm and that was INTENSE!! VERY painful contractions - checked me again at 9:30pm I was 4cm. I asked for an epidural got it, then I tried to rest a little bit. Doctor checked me at 11:30pm still only at 4cm. Doctor broke my waters. Then stuff got scary!!
Doctor broke my waters and baby did NOT like it. Her heart rate dropped with each contraction - it would go as low at 50 some times. Doctor didn't like it kept an eye on it - put me on oxygen and tried to turn me to different sides to help baby out. NOT happening. Baby keep decelerating heart beat. Doctor said at 12:50am that we needed to get baby out!! EMERGENCY C-SECTION STYLE!! I was rushed into an OR naked - and strapped down given some sort of gas via oxygen mask to make me "loopy" I was too anxious for it to make me loopy at all!! I was so scared - had NO idea what to expect. Signed C-Section papers at 1:10am and Elsie was born at 1:20am. She had apgar scores of 9 and 9! She was beautiful and healthy!! I was healthy - sewed me up and sent me down the hall to my room with Elsie in my arms! Met Mommy #2 in the room!! we had an hour alone with her then my mom, McKenzie's Mom and our best friend came in to see her - Everyone finally left at about 3am! tried to get some sleep - Had a hard time healing VERY painful.So thats it! and here I am today struggling each and everyday to keep myself NOT having panic attacks. I cannot see a pregnant woman in the store without thinking about how her birth will be...I NEVER hope that anyone's birth is like mine! I was terrified and felt so out of control. I am someone who likes to have control in their life. I lost a lot of control in my teenage years and into my twenties with drugs and alcohol and I am very particular with having control of things I do now. When I was rushed into that operating room and strapped down and MY body cut apart - sure I signed consent forms but I had NO option!! There was never any discussion as to what exactly that meant for me. I know that my c-section saved my daughters life and I am not angry that I had one. I am just cheated and I missed out on an experience I have been dreaming of since I can remember!! And that is hard to swallow...
I am very open to advice and encouraging words. If anyone has experienced something similar - please relate!! I'd LOVE to not feel so alone. I know there are many women out there who ahve experienced emergency c-sections - but I feel like this anxiety and anger and depression is lasting longer than I'd like it to and longer than I think it normally should. I am 20 weeks post-op friday and I am still feeling nerve pain which makes me emotionally break down. I can forget for a short while about the trauma and then the nerves shoot pain across my abdomen and I relive the entire experience. I need help - so here I am asking for it!!
Thank you for the time - I'll write again tomorrow...