Monday, December 9, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Went to family thanksgivings this week! It was nice seeing everyone. We are always getting the "don't have more kids" speech by a certain individual(s) doesn't make sense to me. We want more kids its something we've discussed long before we had one kid! It irritates me for people to tell me not to "push my luck"? Seriously who says that?
I don't need approval for McKenzie and I to have more kids. Its going to happen. At least one!
I've been researching placenta encapsulation and the benefits on post partum depression etc. I am SERIOUSLY considering this option as I suffered some crazy PPD last time and if it can't hurt me why not try it out...
Elsie is doing so well! Taking to insulin very well! The last two days we've managed her blood sugar very well and trusted insulin. Which for us was something that has been very difficult to do pretty much up until now! She's growing like crazy and she's really enjoying herself with most everything except restaurants! Haha! She really hates the constrictions of a restaurant high chair! But we manage!
Looking forward to Christmas, Elsie loves the tree and lights! Can't wait for a couple weeks! To take her through the winding brook neighborhood of lights in Granger! I think she'll really love it this year!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
It is November 20, 2013 we have moved out of our apartment and into a house back in Goshen! We are so happy being in a house we stay home and relax now. We've been struggling with getting this insulin thing down! Its been hard to get it right. I called Noreen this morning and we talked about how once we get something figured out and we are comfortable with it that she'll grow and we'll reconfigure it all over again.
Noreen always reassures me that we are doing awesome and doing the best we can right now. She's amazing! I just want to do the best for Elsie and make her feel good!
Kenz & I are going to work on our communication... it's hard with a toddler and full-time job and the upkeep of a house to make time for each other. We're going to do more to make sure that we have time together.
Thanksgiving is next week and I'm thankful for so much this thanksgiving. I've never been more happy my entire life! Spending the holidays with friends and family is all I could ask for and a happy healthy family is the cherry on top people!
Happy happy happy!! Today was a good day!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
WARNING : I AM USING THIS BLOG AS A WAY TO VENT OUT FEELINGS TONIGHT... DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE TO THIS THESE ARE MY FEELINGS AND I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FEE WHAT I SAY:
I am so Sick of babysiTting adults! I'm sick of being told how to act around certain people. I am a grOwn ass woman and I will say and do what ever the hell I want to... if there are consequences I will deal with them myself u do not need an army of people to come at me and tell me how I should have handled a situation... it was a freaKing Facebook message that was between two people and it wasn't even a big deal! I made a comment on a picture and was told not to make a blanket for someone when I just offered to and I didn't know and cOuldn't have known that this person was already making a blanket for them... I can't believe I get made into the bad guy because she's an alcoholic and can't handle her emotions! Dell with it it's called life bitch, no one knows how to deal with it! Can't believe people still baby her and coddle her! I'm over it I'm done with it!
Good night people are so petty sometimes!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Not sure how I feel about doing this but... I read an article about post partum bodies. So much changes after and during pregnancy. This article inspired me to take a picture of MY post partum body. I am not a very confident person - and not at all where I want to be in terms of physical fitness... but I am thankful for my new body. I never would have done this had I not had a baby...
This is my post partum body. The picture doesn't show my c-section scar very much but this is 14 months post partum. I have work to do but most of this will not change... I'm happy to have been the home for my daughter while she developed and stayed comfortably a week past her due date! She developed into a beautiful perfect 7 lbs 13 oz and 20 in long! She had to fit somewhere and my body accommodated for her to the best of its ability! I earned this body and wear it proudly! Sent this picture to my partner McKenzie and she mentioned to me later this evening, why are you sending me sexy pictures while I'm at work. She still thinks this body is sexy and I think even more so after baby! No compliants here!
Please don't judge me if you don't like what you see, don't look at it, this took a lot of courage to post and I feel it's part of the healing process. I've come to embrace my body something I've NEVER really done and I'm happy to have this confidence!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Today was our first juvenile diabetes research foundation walk for a cure event. This was the first of many. We will be dedicated to raising money for our sweet baby to someday have a cure from this disease. We had about 20 our so people on our team and we walked two miles in Mishawaka it was wonderful! Weather was chilly but not too cold, it did sprinkle a bit and started raining at the end. Everyone was mingling with each other and it wasn't uncomfortable for anyone! Couldn't have been more happy! My shirts looked great and we had so many compliments on them! Elsie loved the attention! I love how social she is, she doesn't shy away too much! Everyone that loves her and everyone she loves was there for her!
I am saying her shirt from this year and every year... I talked about making a t shirt quilt for her when she's older of all the walk shirts we get! It made me cry because I'm sure we'll walk with this for the rest of our lives! As hopeful as I am for a cure, the reality is hard to swallow!
So thankful for my beautiful baby and for medicine for saving her life and continuing to do so everyday! Without the advancements in medicine I couldn't kiss my baby goodnight anymore!
Feeling thankful, and emotional tonight... the love and support for our family and our daughter is incredible! Life is good!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Elsie is coming out of this honeymoon phase she's been in lately, her sugars have been higher than they were, and she's still super sensitive to insulin. So it's difficult to give her what she needs and to keep her within range... But we're doing our best!
We go see Noreen tomorrow, so many things to talk about. I need to make a list so I don't forget. Kenz may not be out of work on time. She's been working her ass off. Its been rough for me too, I miss her and I need some me time. I try to stay up after Elsie and kenz go to bed but I'm tired too and its hard to relax without falling asleep and I have to get up 4 hours after I put Elsie to bed to check her sugar so it doesn't really make me want to stay up. I know I need to be more understanding of how tired and overworked she is. Somedays are worse than others. She's been pretty high lately and I feel as if I'm not doing a great job in terms of "controlling" her diabetes. I just don't trust the insulin her body is too sensitive to it and it drops her sugar so quickly I don't feel right giving it to her.
My chest hurts right now because I am so worried about Elsie. Her sugar was so high before bed and I know she doesn't feel good, and I just don't know how to make her feel better. Its nights like this I just hold her and pray with her in my arms, that any suffering she may feel will go away when she slips into a deep sleep. I am so scared for her when she's older to feel sick from her sugar. I hope science continues as it has and we get more and more advanced treatments to care for our sweet little lady.
We've been spending a lot of time with my family and have been talking about moving up there to Grand Rapids. It would be amazing to live closer to our biggest support system. I fear that the move would only further our relationship with McKenzie's family. At least I know my family will travel to see us, McKenzie's family on the other hand would not travel to see us, and it breaks my heart that thatbis our reality. I can't even get McKenzie's dad to buy shirts for the diabetes walk were doing. Such bull that I have to bribe and pull strings just to even get them to attend the walk
Anyway! I am not going to start getting into all that!
Been talking about baby #2 as well. Maybe in the spring. We'll be caught up with finances for sure, and we'll have had almost a year with the diabetes to see how comfortable we are. If its not "smooth" by then I think we're going to wait another year. We want to be ready and we want Elsie to understand what's going on. its a big decision obviously, and a lot of talk and planning will and has gone into it because of the diabetes VBAC etc, its not a small thing to decide on.
Goodnight to all. This mama's going to bed!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
I am struggling recently. Things then getting more normal I guess. But I just feel so stressed out. I don't get much of a break. McKenzie work 5 days a week I let her sleep Friday night so that means I have Saturday night off. But I really don't have the night off I hear the monitor and I'm up until McKenzie comes back to bed. I don't think I ever actually get into a sleep state and it's getting pretty frustrating. I just never feel like I actually get enough sleep for all of the work I do all the worry I do and it seems to be a constant argument between McKenzie and I. And I know she's going through a transition right now she's working full time 5 days a week and she's going from staying home to doing that and supporting our entire family and being the sole provider. And I know how stressful that can be. I feel for her and I'm always there to support her. She's doing amazing! I an so proud of her, she works her ass off to support us and I'll always be thankful for that.
This journey has been quite the trip for me... I've been up and down and up again... I feel very stressed out and I know that that's a normal feeling. I know I should want a break but I'm scared! I take care of Elsie right now and I feel like no one else can do it like me... I know others can do it but it's a control thing. It felt like my life went out of control when I had Elsie and pushing for the things I wanted was my way to control things. Now my life went out of control again when she got diabetes and taking care of her is my way to keep things under control...
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Its been about 2 or 3 weeks now since Elsie's been diagnosed with diabetes. Calm down quite a bit. Still getting used to how she acts when she's high or low. She's in the honeymoon phase right now. Which means that since we gave her pancreas a break, its been able to perk up a little bit and give more insulin than it used to. So we haven't had to give her much insulin ourselves which this all will change when she gets bigger and she grows more. So far so good though we're working really good together communicating really well together. I'm in the process of applying for disability or some sort of financial assistance to help us with the expenses. Her medications and supplies cost over $1000 a month. We're also going to be walking in the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation walk for a cure on September 15th of this year. Our website you can go to is http://www2.jdrf.org/goto/elsiestelle I'm the site you can join our team you don't have to donate any money but if you like to walk with us you can join your team or contact me at slhh1986@Gmail.com we would love to have as many supporters as we could you may feel free to donate money it's not necessary but just to show support would be awesome. I'm trying to get in touch with a company that will make t shirts for us to wear and the proceeds from the shirt would actually help Mackenzie and I to afford more things.
So needless to say we're continuing on struggling to get used to things but it's coming along very slowly I guess Elsie's doing very well. Thank you for support and sorry I haven't been on here much!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Elsie has not been herself lately. She'd been vomiting and being quite lethargic. We brought her to the emergency room Thursday July 11th. They took some blood took a urine sample and we sat.. Then they came in and told us they were starting an IV because her sugar was high and they needed to lower it. Normal blood sugar is between 70 and 110. Hers was 453. She was in diabetic ketoacidosis. She has type 1 diabetes.
They told us they needed to transfer her to another hospital...either South bend or Indianapolis. Luckily they got us in at south bend. My mom came down and Kenz's dad came to the er in goshen. They hooked her up to machines and ivs and she was so scared.
She'll suffer from this for the rest of her life..i wish i could take all this onto myself and take it from her.
My mom is here thank God! Kenz and i need her so much! She apologized to me tonight for how she reacted to my pregnancy. I've never held that against her.it was a shock to everyone... I wouldn't be the woman and mother i am today without my mother.
One year ago today i was in the hospital waiting to meet this beautiful little girl. It was one of the scariest days of my life...and the anniversary hasn't proved any different...July 12 is NOT my day!
I'm terrified, I'm sad, but also relieved that we caught it before anything crazy happened..she could have gone onto a coma or had seizures.
There are so many questions that I'll probably never have answers to. I we have so much to learn. She'll need a good amount of medical attention and help taking care of herself for the rest of her life.
McKenzie and i have talked briefly but we're thinking Elsie will be an only child. I will give up my desire to birth vaginally to take the fear possible care of my daughter.
I'm holding her in my arms she's resting peacefully. They'll be in shortly to poke her again...
Her sugars are down to a controlled level...happy birthday Elsie..I'm so sorry my little munchkin!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
So things have changed dramatically since I've written last. I lost my job at he hospital... I'm not going to elaborate on the reason... There really wasn't one but to them to say "not a good fit" whatever that means. I'm obviously heartbroken!! I tried for 4+ years to get into that hospital and now I'll probably never have a change of getting back in!! I'm super bummed out!! I'm trying to see this as a sign that that wasn't where I was supposed to be. I think that I'm going to get my CNA if I can get into some free classes and get into Elkhart General hospital. We'll see where that takes me. In the mean time I'm actively looking for a job... Trying not to stress out too much... Enjoying this time with Elsie and McKenzie.
My family has been crazy supportive since I lost my job! It's been very helpful!!
Tonight we did the "cry it out" method with Elsie. It was super hard to do but wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. She fell asleep rather quickly... I suppose she was quite worn out. Poor thing! She has 2 teeth now!! This little guys took what seemed like forever to come in!! They are so cute though!! She's growing up so fast...
I'm anxious about her birthday. I'm scared to feel the crazy slew of emotions I felt a year ago that day. I know I'll be so busy that day and I doubt I'll think about it but I'm scared none the less. I just really hope that it doesn't bring up all those feelings again...
I'm also anxious to stop breastfeeding Elsie. It's such an amazing connection that I share with her...as annoying as pumping is... And I'll be ready to be done for sure... I know a part of me will miss is like crazy!!
Super late moms over for the night... Couldn't sleep had to get some stuff out... Super excited for a day with grandma tomorrow!!! YAY!!!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Also Miss Elsie fell asleep in her bed all by herself last night!! We gave her a bath, and she was whining a bit, so we set her in her bed. She did not cry but whined a little bit and continued to rub her blanket on her face! She has yet to be able to sleep on her own!! We were such proud little Mommies last night!! She didn't eat before she fell asleep so she woke up right as we were going to bed at like 10:30pm but ate and went to sleep!! Shes doing a bit better in terms of her sleeping! I know that we're lucky if she sleeps 5 hours! But it feels AWESOME when she does.
I have three days off after today! I am super excited! I do have to teach CPR at Oaklawn on Tuesday but that will no be too bad! I have noticed a HUGE difference in my attitude and my stress level since I have worked at Goshen Hospital. I enjoy my job, I enjoy getting up everyday and going to work! I don't remember a time when I did that at Oaklawn!! As much as I loved the kids there things were not like they used to be. The focus switched from the kids to the money - and I am not sure the exact time that all switched but it was very sad when it happened and that's when I started to not like being there. I struggled a lot with Oaklawn. I am happy, so happy, where I am now - I love the people I work with (there's a few annoying ones) and I love the patients that I work with. Some are heart wrenching and some warm my heart! Its so fulfilling and rewarding - There is nothing like this!
I hope someday to be able to work in the birthing unit. I think it would be awesome to help mothers through and after labor - it wouldn't have anything to do with babies but they'd be there obviously and I think it would be a great place to work.
Slow weekend at the hospital - slow is good - except it makes for a very dragging day!! I do get to spend more time with the patients and talk to them and get to know them! Its nice to hear stories from the older patients. This 90 year old man was telling me about when he saw a computer for the first time in June of 1947. He was at graduate school and he said it took up an entire room!! He said that all that fitting into an ipad is why he wants nothing to do with modern technology!! haha! LOVE IT!! He was adorable!!!
Well getting busy - so I need to take off!! Til Later!!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
McKenzie told me last night that she thinks she wants 3 kids. (that's my ideal number) She goes back and forth so much though! Sometimes she doesn't want anymore, because it was too scary with the c-section and all that, but then there are days where she tells me she wants 3 like last night!! I know that we'll have as many as we feel is right for our family! Luckily we get to make that decision pretty concrete - because we don't have an option for the "oopsie" baby! ALL of our children will be planned, and wanted!! I told Kenz last night I'll be pregnant as many times as she wants me to be!!
I feel so lucky everyday for the experiences I have faced in the last 6 months!! I am so excited for the next experiences to come. There was a void in my life until 6 months ago! I was and am happy with McKenzie - but a family is what has made me feel complete!! I am so debted to my daughter - and she'll never know how much I truly needed her in my life!! I'll NEVER be able to repay her for the amazing gifts she has given to me! Because of her I have a new found believe in God, I actually have a relationship with my mother, my relationship with McKenzie is better than ever (I think), just so many things!!
We're getting ready to move out of our house, we need something with 2 or 3 bedrooms!! Elsie needs her own room!! We need our own room!! I am excited but sad at the same time to move out and not have Don and Helen as our landlords anymore! They are amazing!! They have been awesome with us!!
Changes are a coming! Here I am welcoming them with open arms and a smile!! Excited for the future!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
We got Elsie's 6 month pictures done today!! She smiled so awesome for them!!! We got so many cute poses!! She's amazing!! There was even one point where she was creating her own poses besides the one the photographer put her in!! She called her a super model!! Aww hers is!!!
So what's on my mind on a much unhappier note is my guilt from my past ad how it will effect my future!! I had struggled with self harm from when I was about 13-18 and again a few winters ago! But I fear for the day that Elsie asks me what the scars are from, should I be honest with her? If I do will it give he the idea to do it too? Will it show her that that is a healthy coping skill for her? I'm so scared and co fused!! I know I don't really need to worry about this right now, but at some point I will!! Ugh!!
Kathan family Christmas is this weekend (my moms side) we're having it on the 9 year anniversary of my grandma Stella's (the woman who started it all!) death! I still remember that night!! We came home from San Diego and our flights were delayed and everything! It took us forever to get there and they were waiting for us to get there to take her off of the ventilation!! I remember having Tom pick me up!! I was so crushed by her death!! She meant the world to me!! I wish she could have been here to meet Elsie!! She would have just loved her!! And Elsie would have LOVED grandma Stella!! Makes me so sad to honk its been 9 years now! Crazy how much changes and how much happens in 9 years!!
My hand are like sand paper right now! From all this hand washing I do at work!! I'm very psycho about washing them so that I do not bring anything home to Elsie!! I would feel absolutely awful of I got Elsie sick from something at work because that is TOTALLY preventable!! Well now my lunch is about over I need to get back out on the floor!!
Wish us safe travels to Michigan either Friday night or Saturday morning. Depending on weather.