Today started out so awesome and ended on such a sad note...
My mom came down to visit today!! We went out to lunch and went to get family pictures taken!! Mom helped to keep little Elsie smiling!! Elsie did so good!! I was so proud of her!! Our pictures turned out so well!! We got frozen yogurt at urban swirl tonight too after pictures!! My mom had so much fun with Elsie today and its alway a pleasure to have her down here with us!! We talked about what she would do if her and my dad won the lottery!! I told her she should move down here - and she said that her and my dad talked about building a farmhouse down here and building a little house on the land for us and let u have our own garden and just live off the land!! It sounds like paradise!!! This would be my DREAM COME TRUE!! I would love I live by my parents and for a while I looked into jobs in Grand Rapids. I wanted out of Oaklawn so bad but had no way out!! UNTIL IU health Goshen offered me a job as a nurse aide!! My saving grace!! As hard as it may be to work there it's such an amazing opportunity!!
It's hard to work there because I am on the other side of the birthing unit!! I look at the doors that led me into the disaster of a birthing experience!! I watch people go in and out all night- go in for labor and leave with a baby!! It's triggering yes, but once I'm not psychotic about all this!! It will not bother me at all!! Or at least I hope not!!
I have been think about things lately and wondering WHY?! That question comes up all the time!! I know that there is not one reason why either! All I know is that there were SO many things that were going in the wrong direction for a vaginal birth!
FIRST: I didn't have a favorable cervix, so I knew dilating would be difficult. They induced me with the cytotec (sp?) first to help my cervix dilate because I was having contractions but no dilation.
SECOND: When the doctor broke my water there was blood in it, doctor said that my placenta could be detaching - which ended up being the case - and if so we needed to get baby out right away!
THIRD: I had an epidural which can slow labor down - I won't get one again that's for sure!
FORTH: Elsie's heart rate dropped dramatically after doctor broke my water...
So there were so many reasons that I had to have a c-section I don't think I can necessarily blame anyone or anything. I am thankful she is healthy and I am thankful I was healthy. I've heard of people having emergency sections and not having any pain medications and having to feel most if not all. The surgery due to no anesthesia. My heart goes out to those women!!
Even knowing these reasons - I still have a hard time coping with it... I have read what I've typed several times over and it still makes me wish things could have been different. I was talking with a friend tonight and we made light of the situation because I had such an easy pregnancy, no morning sickness, no complications, I was loving being pregnant - it as such an amazing time of my life- we joked that I was bound to have a horrible birth! Haha not that it's funny really in anyway but humor is a coping skill I use all to often! If I am uncomfortable with something I generally try to make it into a funny situation to avoid really showing my feelings on the topic. Works for me!! Ha!
Also there were so many environmental factors that I know contributed to things - I think you will things to happen sometimes - not that I willed myself to have a c-section but - the doctor had been at the hospital since 7a at least and it was already 12a almost when he broke my water! I think he wanted to go home, he seemed awfully crabby!! My friends were leaving on vacation the next day and I NEEDED her to be in the room with me. She came with video camera ready and tripod to videotape the experience!! I feel bad that she didn't get the experience she hoped for!! We all hoped for. And I was so tired from being in labor for a couple days and not progressing!! I couldn't sleep, I would sleep for like 3 hours maybe at a time - sort of like my life now, just not with contractions!! Also knowing my mom had an emergency c-section and admitting that as an option. People say to write out a birth plan, I don't know that that really would have changed things because no matter what your birth plan states emergencies happen and things don't usually go as planned!!
Tonight we found out that a family friend of Mckenzie's was found murdered in elkhart. Such sad news, hard to believe!! Kenz told her mom about it - she is such a strong person and a wonderful daughter! She didn't want her mom to hear it on the news!! Her mom was very close with the woman. Mckenzie is so upset and I don't know what to say to console her. Elsie was trying to cheer her up, and she fell asleep on Kenz tonight, I know that's what Kenz needed!! Aww!!
Hung out with good friends tonight! Had a really good time talking - girl talk- and feeling loved!! So thankful for today - praying for the McDowell family - may they find peace...
http://m.wsbt.com/display/10089/story/5a9207ffd0f0610e048d5811b95293cf
- I feel this entry is all over the place like my mind today - running low on energy!!
Goodnight!! -Sarah
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