Day 3

Had a little emotional break down today. We found someone to foster Jaque out to a good home. He's not taking to Elsie so well, he's careless and its not worth the risk to Elsie. We've had him since June of 2006! He's our baby our first baby! He's naughty sometimes but he's a really great dog! I'm worried people will think me irresponsible and judge me for getting rid of him! TRUST me he's done some really naughty things and I didn't get rid of him for those things but my daughters safety is way more important than a dog! I wasn't going to bring him to a shelter I do not want anything bad to happen to him. This friend of mine that will foster him is a great girl! She's such a pet lover she's adopted a cat with FIV and takes care of him! I know she'll love Jaque and take awesome care of him. What bothers me the most is that I will NEVER see him again. I love his sweet face! He smiles, and I LOVE that about him!! He's so sensitive too- he knows when something is wrong and cuddles when you're crying! Aww poor Baby Jaque- we also call him Princess Laya. Haha!! He's got so many names and he's got such a personality! Someone without small children will LOVE him as a companion and he'll love them so much back!! I secretly hope he doesn't love anyone like he loves me and Kenz but I know that's not something I can control or rightfully ask for!!

Did something really good for myself today!! I called my doctor and made an appointment to talk about my issues. I told them I'm having post-partum issues and also some post traumatic issues from my c-section. I want to still be able to nurse so I trust my doctor will not put me on anything that I can't breastfeed while taking.

I was very anxious today while watching a tv show that we rented. The woman on the show found out she was pregnant and I started to panic. McKenzie knew something was bothering me and I was just too embarrassed to ask. This makes me think of when I was having issues with hurting myself! I never want McKenzie to feel like she is tip toeing around me. And I feel like when I tell her I'm anxious she feels like she needs to baby me. I know she understands the anxious all the time feeling and I should open up to her. I just want to be treated normal!! If I could just feel normal and not be so screwed up I the head every day I'd be great I'd feel better off and I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on my daughters life. That is why this doctors appointment is so important for me. This will be my saving grace!! My doctor (who is also Elsie's doctor) is awesome, thorough, and I know he honestly has Elsie and my best interest in mind. It's awesome too because he is also McKenzie's doctor!! He knows our situation and he's okay with it! It's important to me to have a doctor that knows me without any secrets - that's a doctor that is going to help you.

Elsie is starting to roll around - she doesn't get all the way over every time but she's so close!! She moves like crazy all over the place now, she's so amazing!! She seriously cracks me up! She turned the DVD/VHS player from walking dead DVD show to VHS Cinderella!!! And then looked back at McKenzie and I at the couch and laughed!! She was so excited and proud of herself!!

I was supposed to have an interview at Bashor tonight... I couldn't bring myself to go to it!! I am so happy to be done at Oaklawn at least with the residential! I have been so happy since I don't work there anymore. That place was so awesome to me in 2008-2009. I grew so much as a person. I am WAY more open minded, understanding, assertive, and outgoing than I ever was before in my entire life! I am so thankful and grateful to Oaklawn for the skills it has taught me. I know that I will use those skills as a parent and I am thankful to have been part of the organization. I think once the DBT unit closed down and we didn't focus so much on those individuals I lost hope in Oaklawn! The DBT was my favorite program ever! I put so much effort and time into the unit! I was there where those girls were I wanted to help them and that was The ONLY time at Oaklawn I felt useful and felt that I actually helped save some girls lives! It was such an amazing feeling, and since then I never felt good about my job. It suddenly wasn't about the kids anymore!! Now that I am back in a hospital working I feel as if there is purpose!! I help people get better - in an entirely different way now but it's purposeful!! I don't feel taken advantage of by my supervisors!! I love my job!! And I need to get healthy mentally so I can be happy in all aspects of my life. I have nothing to be angry about in my life, I have a beautiful daughter, a loving wife, a healthy relationship, my own health and I am doing well for myself!!

This is me being thankful in my own melancholy way of living, but today I am thankful, anxious & sad, but thankful!!

Goodnight,
Sarah