Friday, November 30, 2012

Day 5:

This blog is proving to be helpful I think. I have been able to visualize my triggers to stressful events. I don't know that I am able to avoid them as you may have noticed yesterdays post proved that!! I just think that at this point I am able to know when I am being triggered and knowing that I am having a panic attack. Thankfully I am able to be honest with McKenzie about things now and shes understanding. It was rough in the beginning of my struggles back in July / August. She didn't understand and I was just angry and bitter toward her - now when I am being angry or bitter she asks me if I am anxious and I usually break down and cry or get defensive. Either way I know that I cannot back out of a conversation and sometimes all I want is someone to ask me about my struggles!! I am sure I could talk for hours about the things that bothered me about my birth story. I would love to talk someones ear off but I'm too afraid to ask because I am not sure when I'll be ready to stop talking and I don't want to make them feel obligated to talk to me.

My mom is coming to visit tomorrow during the day. I am SO happy!! My mother and I have come A LONG way from where were were. Let me give you a little background here;  I came out of the closet at 17 after a 5 day stay in a psychiatric hospital for suicide ideation and self-harm. I told my parents in what I thought was a safe place - if they took it wrong NO ONE would let me kill myself. So they grounded me and I wasn't allowed to have ANY friends over. My entire mother's side of the family is very strict catholics. So naturally I was scared out of my mind to express myself honestly. So me and my mother never really got a long after that. I think that the homosexuality really drove us apart  - she felt it was a phase and I'd grow out of it - she pushed me away and I her just because that was easier than fighting all the time. My mother wanted what every mother wants - grand kids and a wedding etc. - and never thought that would happen now that I've announced by sexuality. I talked to her on several occasions about wanting children and she had told me before that if I tried to bring a child into this world of mine she'd fight me to the death. Obviously that is not possible but she wanted me to know she wouldn't be happy about it. I was terrified come Halloween 2011 when I found out I was pregnant to tell my mother but I knew I needed to. I wanted to. I've always wanted that mother daughter relationship people are always talking about - my mother was more my enemy than my friend for a good part of my life. So I e-mailed because I am the biggest avoider of all things telephone that I'm sure you'll ever meet. I told her that I was pregnant and that if she didn't want to be part of this child's life that she would have to not be part of mine. I may have been pretty aggressive but I wanted her to know that this was the decisions McKenzie and I had made and I did not want negative people in our lives. She told me she had nothing nice to say to me and told me that there is NO GOOD that could come out of this decision. Things changed around January, we still communicated but my mom was not ready to talk about baby at all. I sent her a picture of the ultrasound via email the day we got the pictures and something clicked that day. She saw this life growing inside me and knew that it was her blood - and her grandchild and she has been there for me like no other since then. She has helped out and I couldn't be happier. I did not have a child to bring my mother and I closer - but I am very happy that Elsie has changed our lives for the better. My mother said she is feeling true joy for the first time since my grandmother Stella died - that was in 2004 - Elsie is the most powerful and most amazing gift I've ever received (and she was a gift as her birthday is 11 days before mine).

So my mother visiting is a fun and amazing time!! She spends the weekend sometimes and we stay up there sometimes. Its always fun!! I love every minute I spend with my mom and I am so excited every week. I also get so sad every week that she leaves because I know it will be so long before I see her again. Its been nice to have Elsie know grandma so much - and she loves her grandma!

I saw that I had quite a few views on my blog - that made me a little anxious - I am pretty personal about this but I am also willing to help if I can open someones eyes up. If you read this blog please have good intentions I am honestly pouring my heart out onto this screen - maybe I could make it private but I think its an opportunity for me to open up and be myself - and not be so scared. If you do not like what I am writing or think I am over reacting than please do not read my blog - and move on to someone else's. Thank you and I say this with a kind heart - I would not judge you if you were struggling and I am only asking my viewers to do the same. Thank you!

I'm working tonight, and it was really busy with 3 admissions in the first hour I was here - AHH - but its slowed down now and I am on break eating some food. Speaking of that I have decided to eat more - I know that my weight is no unhealthy but I don't think that I eat enough calories to make enough breast milk. I have been trying to snack all the time and I hope it works - we'll see - I'll also ask my doctor when I see him the 12th. I think that I should probably get back to work now - breaks almost over - its been a boring day - in the eyes of my anxiety and I am thankful for that!!

Here's to another boring day tomorrow!!

Goodnight!! - Sarah

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