Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Day 1

Welcome to my first actual day of blogging!! Today was actually a really good day considering everything in the last post! I had one tiny anxiety attack moment today during Dr Phil! They interviewed a lady that had ten children! Just thinking about going through my birth 10 times!! Ugh! (I know no doctor would perform 10 c-sections on a woman and that's what made me anxious was knowing she had at least five natural births) I was jealous...

But I got I spend so much quality time with my Elsie and McKenzie! We went to the store to run some errands -I actually got to push the cart for a little bit too!! It was fun! Got some stuff to finish DIY Christmas decorations - put the tree topper on the Christmas tree! Made an appointment to get our first family photo shoot done Saturday!! Oh! And we bought Elsie her very first Christmas gift!! It's interesting at the things I get excited over.

I keep getting told I'm losing too much weight and that bothers me a lot! I feel that my body has changed in many ways; yes I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant but I feel that my body looks more womanly. I feel my hips are wider, my boobs are bigger (for now). I feel that I look like a mother and not a young lady or for goodness sake a teenage boy anymore!! I eat my recommended calories and I take a daily vitamin! I will check with my doctor but I don't feel that I am too skinny! I've struggled with body image in the past. it's a weird feeling to be confident with your body (for once in my life) and proud of the changes my body has made and the new marks that accompanied these changes and then to be given the impression it doesn't look very good. I'm at a loss!

I am proud of my stretch marks and my "not so trimmed" belly... But I have a hard time seeing my c-section scar and feeling content in any way however. I had issues with self harm in high school (and unfortunately my all too recent past) and I have many scars from myself on my thighs and hips, I HATE to look at them because it upsets me and makes me think of those times of my life! McKenzie says she loves my scars and that it shows my struggles and she's proud of who I am and that I've made it through what I did and the scars show my struggle. I see my c-section scar as "just another scar" to be insecure about. I have no desire for anything sexual because I'm afraid of the nerve pain that may follow. The pain is awful when even just lightly touched near my scar! I know with time I'll learn to accept it and with time and more healing time the nerve pain with dissipate or I will just get used to it and not notice it anymore.

Elsie fell asleep on me twice tonight, that is one of the most gratifying feelings when Elsie falls asleep in my arms. Almost every time she falls asleep on me she talks like crazy to me, and rubs my face. Sometimes she just wants to hold my hand and talk to me and then she'll fall asleep. Knowing that she feels comfortable and safe enough to let go and sleep so soundly is such an amazing feeling!! I would never think one ill thought of her and I know she knows that! She's the funniest and the most amazing person and she's only 4 months old! Not sure how she can get any more amazing!!

So to sum things up - overall really good day!! Happy to have had the day off don't work again until Friday night. Proud of myself today and tomorrow I can only have hope it will be great - if not better than great!!

Til later- Sarah

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