Day 48: Reading can be difficult...

I recently purchased a book called "Cut, Stapled & Mended" its a book about a woman's journey to VBAC after a negative birth experience.. There have been a lot of differences between my experience and hers but there were similar feelings during the c-section that I wanted share. I almost found myself crying at certain points and re-reading a few sentences over and over... these in particular...

page 43:
      "I am no longer in the body that these things are happening to. I hover around it, not sure what else to do." - its such a scary and weird feeling to know that your entire body is being cut open and violently being ripped and life is actually being pulled out of you - yet you feel nothing and can not move to see this happening just have to trust that the sensations that you do feel are somehow explainable...

     "There is pulling, yanking hard, and pressure in the chest of the body that I used to be inside of. It can't breathe. The pulling, they are pulling the insides out, cutting and yanking." - as I said its so odd to feel nothing yet so much at the same time - and she mentions that classical music was playing - I don't remember music but I do remember them talking about going to the 4H fair and the food they were excited to eat...

page 45:
     "I didn't know how important my belly is to every movement." UNDERSTATEMENT of the century - enough said.

     "The electric hospital bed is the only way I can lift my body into a sitting position. When I cough or sneeze, it feels like the incision is ripping open." - never have I ever been so scared to sneeze in my life - I remember being woken up from the pain as the epidural was wearing off - and wanting so badly to push the PRN button and remembering to push it every 15 minutes - once it stopped beeping and they told me that they were turning it off and they'd take it out later in the day - I wanted to cry because I knew Norco was the only thing I had to take and it NEVER touched the pain I felt. I was breastfeeding so I was scared to ask for more. I even refused a prescription to take with me because I didn't want to affect Elsie after birth... McKenzie made me call the doctor a few days later to get a prescription because I lost myself to pain in a way... the pain of labor was NOTHING to the pain after the surgery.

     "If something is not located on the near edge of the side table, I cannot reach it. When his diaper needs changing, I must ask others to do it. When he needs a bath, I watch wistfully from the hospital bed, imagining that its my hands tenderly holding his head up from the water." - Feeling helpless and useless. I was only needed to feed the baby - I wanted to change her diapers. I wanted to get her out of the bassinet and stop her from crying. I wanted to let McKenzie sleep and not bother her - but I had to wake her up... I felt so guilty and helpless and I am not the type of person who can accept that as okay.

 - I remember NO nurses trying to get me out of bed. I remember being in SO much pain and wanting to get out of bed so badly!! I wish that a nurse would have been there to encourage me to get out of the bed. I had my friend Rosie help me out of bed when she was there the night after she was born... It was so painful - I remember my mom telling me that standing up straight was not possible and BOY was she right. My muscles had just been through TOO MUCH to be able to support my body straight up...  -

This book I think will prove to be very triggering - I think it will be healing and it will be empowering. I am part of  MANY VBAC Facebook groups and almost on a daily basis will I see a successful VBAC post. I also see unsuccessful CBACs too and the support for those women is amazing and I share in the support. I see that they fought and I am so proud of them for trying. There are so many women who truly think that there is NO OTHER option - and I love to see that it it possible and I will fight the good fight too!!

I wanted to talk about this little bit of the book that I read - I will continue to share my feelings on this book... I hope that the book continues to reel me in - read 45 pages in one night and had a hard time stopping!!

Til later,
 Sarah

Day 47: Not broken...

April marks the Cesarean awareness month. This is designed to educate mothers to avoid an unnecessary c-section. I feel that I am definitely one of those mothers who went into a pregnancy thinking that everything was going to be perfect and NEVER had a thought that I may be bullied or talked into something my body wasn't ready for. I was NOT educated enough about induction and the fact that they fail...I thought you went in they made you go into labor and then you had a baby - vaginally - I was not prepared for trauma and disaster. My whole birthing experience was awful to be honest!

I've never really expressed my feelings about it actually. It was the day my induction was scheduled for and I received a call at 6:30am that my induction would be "postponed" due to the unit being too full at the time. I was PISSED to say the least. I had been having contractions and losing my mucous plug for days before this moment and couldn't sleep through contractions. I was exhausted and more than ready (so I thought) to have this baby. So we try to take my mind off of the contractions and go to Bob Evans for breakfast - I couldn't even eat breakfast  because the contractions were so painful - horrible back labor - and now I know it was most likely position issues that caused the ineffective contractions. So we leave with the entire wait staff thinking I'm about to have this baby anytime!! YEAH RIGHT!!

We go back home - my mom is on her way and we get a call from the hospital at 10:30am that they are able to reschedule my induction and have me come in at 12 noon. I was beyond excited!! So we get there and they do their induction things - and I know I've already shared that part. What I haven't shared is the background noise that was happening.  McKenzie, my mom and my best friend were in the room with me. Doctor gave me a three person limit.  We get to hanging out - my contractions stopped once they gave me the suppository - and we hang out and watch TV and wait 4 hours for things to work. Stress begins to happen - my friend finds out her boyfriend is potentially cheating on her and is an emotional mess - I should have told her it was okay for her to leave - she honestly needed too. I feel like I pressured her to stay with me because I wanted her there - She needed to deal with her issue and being with me was stopping her from doing that but I also needed supportive people who were NOT distracted at all. She was a mess and I feel awful that she felt she could not leave.

I think another reason I agreed to this induction was because McKenzie is not the most patient person and was losing her patience to meet this beautiful baby I was making. I never researched my Bishop score - or asked what my chances for successful vaginal birth were... I will definitely be more prepared the next time around. My provider next time around will NOT induce me or even discuss induction until I reach 42 weeks - and hopefully that will not happen. I have decided that when my due date is given to me I am going to tell people two weeks from that date is my due date - that way people are not pressuring me and asking when I am going to have baby etc. Maybe it will even be a due month rather than due day.

I also do not want this to sound like I am blaming ANYONE for ruining my birth (aside from the doctor who cut me open and traumatized me) I invited all these individuals into my birthing experience and I welcomed everything they came with. I needed to stand up for myself and I did not do that. I was meek and didn't stand my ground but let the stress hurt my labor and I CHOSE for all of this to happen. I will say that next time the ONLY people allowed in the room are McKenzie, my mom, my doula and quite possibly a photographer. NO ONE else and that is because McKenzie and my mom will know my birth plan and know what I need - my doula will obviously know what I need, and I cannot have anyone that has connections to the outside world. My mom may not even be there!! She may have Elsie and be taking care of her while we are giving her a little brother or sister.

This experience is in the future obviously, but I am both excited and scared. It will be quite the journey and the learning experience. I have so much more to learn and read and experience before even trying that. With all that said I will be living April as a month to learn and educate myself and others about the pros and cons of a c section and the awfully high c section rate in this country. It is alarming how many women are given c sections and are traumatized as I was - its unnecessary and it needs to be seen as a problem... just a reminder that is will be MY birth and I will birth MY way and on MY terms - NO ONE knows my body like I know my body and I will experience vaginal birth as the amazing experience that it is and I will feel a healing VBAC - mark my words... MY BODY IS NOT BROKEN

Til later,
Sarah