Day 14:

***I don't aim to offend with this post but I need to vent for the sake of my wife! Please understand that this is a personal blog and MY feelings do NOT reflect those of anyone else - even my perceptions of peoples feelings could be entirely inaccurate!!***

very rough day today. I started to have some flashbacks today. ALL DAY!! I worked this morning and had a rough time at least until lunch! We didn't have any pregnant patients or anything. Not sure what triggered this. I text kenz to let her know that I was having a hard time! Shes so supportive and I am so thankful and grateful for her in my life!! Got my placenta lab results... I have no idea how to read them but it mentions partial abruptio placentae. So I guess that's what was happening for sure!! The diagnosis for my c-section was; post term 40w6d pregnancy, failure to progress, fetal intolerance to labor, bloody amniotic fluid. Not sure what tests were done but it mentioned some crazy medical terms- I'm bringing it to my doctors appointment to have him tell me what it means!! I NEED to know!! But I'm scared to... All this time I've thought I knew it was abruptio placentae and what if its not? Then I'm really just a failure as a woman!! I just didn't do labor!! WTF?! Ugh!! Can't talk about this anymore today!! Just not a good day for it!!

Kenz's Family blows my mind. I NEVER pictured her family to be like this ever! they are so self-absorbed and do not pay any attention to her. She used to be SO close to her mom and dad I used to be jealous of her relationships with them! Now both of her parents are consumed with their own lives - as they have moved on in relationships seperate from themselves. WHen mckenzie's mom was lonely (before the divorce) and leaned on mckenzie quite a bit for support -now that Jimmy lives with her the only time she is needed is when mckenzie's mom needs to detox or she can't find something and she thinks mckenzie has it. She used to talk about drama with mckenzie's dad but mckenzie finally drew the line on that. McKenzie and her dad used to SO close and I often made a joke about them being too close. McKenzie enjoyed the time with her dad, she is such a daddy's girl and from what I get she has been forever! WHen her dad moved in with his girlfriend (now wife) she was pushed aside. She has mentioned that she has been there for her dad through SO much and McKenzie is really struggling with the death of a family friend recently, her dad is completely ignoring ALL of mckenzie's requests for help! she has asked her dad to come pick her up when I am at work on the weekends and he makes some sort of crappy comment about how she sleeps in too much! He never comes over to visit elsie - we always have to bring elsie to him - which is crap becuase we have to lug so much around when we travel with her and apparently that is nothing he is too concerned about!

How much mckenzie has sacrificed for her dad - she lost her job in 2010 when they were going through the seperation and all because her dad basically guilted her into doing all of these crazy things and he seems to feel no remorse for that almost as if it was expected of her. SHe has always dropped everything for her family and it breaks MY heart that NONE of them will do the same for her. Collin seems to be coming around more and being more reliable than he was. He went through a stage of being irresponsible and I think that was granted to him - he needed to rebel against things and now hes being better and hes being a MUCH better brother - hes such a great kid. I feel bad for Carson though - I hope for his sake that he doesn't understand how selfish people around him are being.

For an early Christmas present tonight... It's called wreck this journal and its a journal but it has tasks to do to make it fun and keep your journal looking awesome!! Can't wait to start tomorrow!!!

Looking forward to sleep tonight! Elsie was asleep by 12am!! Woot woot!!!

Goodnight moon!!

Sarah