Sunday, December 23, 2012

Day 21:

I cannot believe its almost Christmas!! How fast the time has gone!! My little monkey will be 6 months soon, she's so much fun right now!!

I look back and see where I was in August and I am so thankful that with friends and an outlet that I am where I am today. Still having panic attacks here and there but much much better. Saw Dr. S yesterday got a little uncomfortable, purposely avoided him. I know he made a very educated judgement call, BUT none the less he cut my body open! I am so scared of him, he compromised my body's integrity! He added a scar to my body, he risked my life and my child's life, and HE took away my control!! I know it's really not his faulty in reality but in MY own twisted reality it is ALL his fault, and I cannot speak or be close to him without being extremely uncomfortable and panicky!!

I hope soon ill be over that! I see him often - as he's up on our floor quite often seeing patients and right now we're right across from the birthing unit so I see him go in and out often! All I can do is have hope and be determined to get over this anxiety! I pray everyday that I get some strength to make it a day without a panic attack. I rarely get a whole day without one, but the ones that I know remind me that my praying is working.

A girl I used to work with had a baby the other day - via c-section - and her baby is not doing well at all! She looks like there was some infection or something - very swollen - and this girl is talking about her losing weight (2lbs expected before discharge) so I am guessing an infection. She is asking for prayers from people for her little girl! I thought I'd say something on here and hopefully someone or everyone that reads this can say a little prayer for her! She's very ill and needs all the prayers she can get. I couldn't and do not imagine going through what her and her husband are going through. They are expecting the baby to be there 2-3 months. I can't imagine not having been able to cuddle with my Elsie for the first 2 or 3 months of her life. Baby's need their mommies and daddies to cuddle with them and talk to them and hold them - its so sad to see babies not being able to have the gift of touch from their parents for a good portion of their early life. Elsie still loves to cuddle!! I am SO thankful for that!!

Elsie grabbed a Christmas present from under the christmas tree today and threw it! then looked at Kenz like, "what?! Yeah I did that!" haha! shes amazing!! I love her so much! She makes me laugh so hard!!

I thought I'd add some pictures of Elsie and I - She is seriously the most amazing thing. I am so proud of her, and so honored to be her mother!!

Cannot wait for my family to visit tomorrow, I am so anxious for things to turn out okay! I am very happy that they are willing to travel to us for the holidays. I wish that they would stay longer than they do. My dad gets so antsy and wants to leave so soon, I wish he'd want to stay longer. I understand that there is really not much to do at my house - but I also see how it bums my mom out when he wants to leave and she doesn't want to leave... She told me she'd like to move to a farm house down here and build a house on the land for Kenz, Elsie and I and then we'd live so close and we'd have a garden and we'd live off the land!!

 I would love to hook my dad up with a job down here - and have them move here! It would be so much more convienent for us all!! I am going to look for houses and send my mom some links (as a joke) and see what she said in reply to me! I think it would be interesting to see what she says to me. wouldn't it be lovely if she's been looking and shes interested in seriously considering moving? Oh my! It'd be my dream come true!!

VERY ready for 3 days off and to spend it with my family, friends, and McKenzie's family!! I am so excited I LOVE christmas and I have a serious case of christmas fever!!

Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading and supporting me in my journey!!

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