Day 30:

Broken... That's a word I can't seem to get out of my head right now...I've been struggling so much lately again with the c-section. There are many reasons I can think of as to why these thoughts are back in my head. 1- McKenzie and I have been talking about having another baby - not soon but just been talking about the idea of a second baby- and so I've been kinda reliving the labor and birth of Elsie...  Doing a lot of what ifs and maybe I shouldn't have done this etc. 2 - because of the talking about another baby I've been researching VBACs and the pros and cons of VBACs vs RCSs. 3 - it's almost Elsie's one year birthday! And the 1 year anniversary of my traumatic birth experience. 4 - my cousin Jennifer was getting ready to and just had her baby on June 20th. And OF COURSE she had a vaginal birth!! I am SO happy for her!! I am jealous of her birth experience!!  they've tried forever to get pregnant and i am so happy for her to be a mom! its seriously the best thing ever! Everyone I know I feel like gets to and Ie am not sure what I did so wrong to be stripped of that!! 

I've done a lot of research on VBACs and I will be doing hypnobabies for VBAC birth. I will also be hiring a doula - if you know of any good ones in elkhart, hit me up! - there are a lot of things I am going to do different to prepare. I think the most important is having a doctor I trust!! 

ANYWAY!!! Elsie is almost one!! Oh my goodness!! So I was working at a bakery but Kenz got a job at keystone rv company and so I get to stay home!! YAY!!! I have told mckenzie so many times already that it means so much to me and I don't think I'll ever get to thank her for all she's doing for us!! For our family!! It's amazing of her to make this step!! I am SO proud of her!! 

So far staying at home has been awesome!! I love it. I know I don't clean nearly as much as Kenz did but I'll  get the hang of it and be better!! I have to find my groove!! 

Well Elsie's down for the night (finally) and I should get moving to bed here soon!! 

Til later

Sarah