Day 41:

Tonight I am full of thought. I have struggled with this Diabetes thing like none other lately. I HATE that I have to carefully plan out each meal, snack, and drink Elsie gets. It is SO hard to try to force a 16 month old to eat 3 or 4 meals a day on a schedule. Some days are better than others. Some days she’s hungry right when I plan her to be. Some days she’s hungry but not for what I’ve cooked for her to eat. Some days she just snacks all day. There is no normal to any given day. I cannot wait for the day when I have a “normal” day. I know that my normal would be so much different than most moms with a 16 month old’s day but I can only hope to find my own normal.

Some days I feel that I try to take too much control in the situation. Kenz was off work for 9 days and only cooked calculated and provided insulin for ONE meal! I know that that is not because she’s not comfortable doing it or that she doesn’t want to do it. I think it’s partly because I won’t let her have as much control as I should.

Elsie has been fighting sleep lately as well. She is just so go go go and doesn’t want to stop! Even for a nap! She’s too busy for sleep. Night time is usually when I feel most guilty for her. She is usually HIGH at night around 300 or so and I am not supposed to correct for her sugar at bedtime and let her “ride high” and let Lantus do its job. Which is easier said than done. When I have 130 and 200 blood sugars all day (which they want us between 80-200 so that’s good) and then 300+ at night and usually all night, I have a hard time not feeling awful!

I know that high blood sugars cause symptoms and I do not want Elsie to feel bad while she tries to sleep. She doesn’t seem to be affected by the high sugars at night but I am just a worried mom and do not want to cause anymore discomfort for her!

Yesterday was an awful day, after having Kenz home for 9 days and she did almost all the housework and stuff it was really hard to get back into the groove of things and Elsie didn’t take a nap and was so bored yesterday. I thought I was going to have a nervous break down. Kenz made a comment about how I am crazy because I want to have more kids. I told Kenz that some days are going to be more stressful than others with or without a child with diabetes. She did understand me when I said it like that.

SO much on my mind…struggling to get it all out of my head…some things I am scared to say…

Til later

Sarah