Day 50: Its happening!!

We're having another baby!!! Baby #2 is due in April 2015!! I couldn't be more excited to announce this and we are 12 weeks today!! My VBAC journey has begun!!

I have an incredible doctor working with me and I trust him completely and I am 100% comfortable with him!! He is willing to let me go to 42 weeks without inducing (as long as everything up until then is okay!) Just a quick update!! Not sure who's still following this!!

Day 49: Thankful

I sit here and I am watching T.V. Elsie and McKenzie are sleeping, soundly and peacefully. I cannot express my thankfulness for the two of these ladies in my life!! McKenzie struggles with anxiety everyday and still goes to work everyday - she is extremely frustrated with her mental health and I hate that I cannot do a damn thing to help her!! I try to keep the house clean (I'm not the best housekeeper and that's NO secret). She works so hard so I can stay home with Elsie - It means the world to be that she chooses to do that for us! I have ALWAYS worked and when we got pregnant with Elsie I always imagined I always would. As soon as that little girl was in my arms - my desire to work 5 days a week was GONE. Second shift was DEFINITELY out of the question lol and I got that job at the hospital and it was awesome I was working while Elsie was sleeping at first and only 2-3 days a week. Then I switched to first shift and still only 3 days a week and it was still great!! I was happy and working was manageable. THEN I lost my job - and THEN she got sick and I kind of lost it a little bit - I tried to find a job before Elsie got sick but McKenzie stepped up right away when I lost my job (I was so upset and down on myself) McKenzie said that it was her choice to step up and get a job, and she got a great job!! Elsie got sick and I cannot imagine ever going back to work!!

It is so weird how roles change, and how much has changed since May of 2013. October 2011 I would have never imagined this being my life. And I've even talked about homeschooling Elsie WHAAAT?!?!? I've always been so anti-homeschooling - but with diabetes I want to make sure Elsie can manage her insulin intake herself before she goes to school. I think I am a fairly smart person and I can definitely teach Elsie elementary school subjects - there are a lot of places and groups that help get you set up etc...

I am also thankful for the Dexcom - it has been a HUGE game changer - helps me sleep better at night - the insulin pump has increased Elsie's quality of life for sure as well as our own and the Dexcom has definitely saved us some stress - as well as caused it but you win some you lose some! There are still days that we seem to have NO idea what we are doing and that just reminds us how awful this disease is - and that we cannot slack at all. If there is one thing diabetes does is keep you on your toes... :-) I wouldn't change my life for anything. I've never been happier - I am so thankful for the ability to communicate with McKenzie as well as we do. There are of course our own battles that we handle when they come but nothing is perfect and we are certainly not. We love each other and make decisions together (sometimes its hard) and at a result we have an amazingly healthy baby girl!!

I am thankful for my Mother - she has been such a huge support for our family!! She's helped whenever we've needed it - she only shows unconditional love for all three of us. She is our only trained diabetic babysitter and only person we can trust to be alone with Elsie without us - I hope that number will change in the years to come - but for now we are thankful for her desire to be there for us when we need some time to ourselves. As a parent of a diabetic we don't get date nights or much time at all ALONE - and it makes things a little more difficult sometimes... but we make the hour at night after Elsie goes to bed well worth the quality time!!

Life has definitely changed in several different ways since we introduced Elsie into our lives - some good, some bad, some happy, some sad but I wouldn't ask for anything different to be my life right now. I am insanely happy and VERY happy to be able to say that -

Been a while since I've posted in here hopefully I'll be posting more SOON!! Thanks for reading and supporting!!

Til Later
Sarah

Day 48: Reading can be difficult...

I recently purchased a book called "Cut, Stapled & Mended" its a book about a woman's journey to VBAC after a negative birth experience.. There have been a lot of differences between my experience and hers but there were similar feelings during the c-section that I wanted share. I almost found myself crying at certain points and re-reading a few sentences over and over... these in particular...

page 43:
      "I am no longer in the body that these things are happening to. I hover around it, not sure what else to do." - its such a scary and weird feeling to know that your entire body is being cut open and violently being ripped and life is actually being pulled out of you - yet you feel nothing and can not move to see this happening just have to trust that the sensations that you do feel are somehow explainable...

     "There is pulling, yanking hard, and pressure in the chest of the body that I used to be inside of. It can't breathe. The pulling, they are pulling the insides out, cutting and yanking." - as I said its so odd to feel nothing yet so much at the same time - and she mentions that classical music was playing - I don't remember music but I do remember them talking about going to the 4H fair and the food they were excited to eat...

page 45:
     "I didn't know how important my belly is to every movement." UNDERSTATEMENT of the century - enough said.

     "The electric hospital bed is the only way I can lift my body into a sitting position. When I cough or sneeze, it feels like the incision is ripping open." - never have I ever been so scared to sneeze in my life - I remember being woken up from the pain as the epidural was wearing off - and wanting so badly to push the PRN button and remembering to push it every 15 minutes - once it stopped beeping and they told me that they were turning it off and they'd take it out later in the day - I wanted to cry because I knew Norco was the only thing I had to take and it NEVER touched the pain I felt. I was breastfeeding so I was scared to ask for more. I even refused a prescription to take with me because I didn't want to affect Elsie after birth... McKenzie made me call the doctor a few days later to get a prescription because I lost myself to pain in a way... the pain of labor was NOTHING to the pain after the surgery.

     "If something is not located on the near edge of the side table, I cannot reach it. When his diaper needs changing, I must ask others to do it. When he needs a bath, I watch wistfully from the hospital bed, imagining that its my hands tenderly holding his head up from the water." - Feeling helpless and useless. I was only needed to feed the baby - I wanted to change her diapers. I wanted to get her out of the bassinet and stop her from crying. I wanted to let McKenzie sleep and not bother her - but I had to wake her up... I felt so guilty and helpless and I am not the type of person who can accept that as okay.

 - I remember NO nurses trying to get me out of bed. I remember being in SO much pain and wanting to get out of bed so badly!! I wish that a nurse would have been there to encourage me to get out of the bed. I had my friend Rosie help me out of bed when she was there the night after she was born... It was so painful - I remember my mom telling me that standing up straight was not possible and BOY was she right. My muscles had just been through TOO MUCH to be able to support my body straight up...  -

This book I think will prove to be very triggering - I think it will be healing and it will be empowering. I am part of  MANY VBAC Facebook groups and almost on a daily basis will I see a successful VBAC post. I also see unsuccessful CBACs too and the support for those women is amazing and I share in the support. I see that they fought and I am so proud of them for trying. There are so many women who truly think that there is NO OTHER option - and I love to see that it it possible and I will fight the good fight too!!

I wanted to talk about this little bit of the book that I read - I will continue to share my feelings on this book... I hope that the book continues to reel me in - read 45 pages in one night and had a hard time stopping!!

Til later,
 Sarah

Day 47: Not broken...

April marks the Cesarean awareness month. This is designed to educate mothers to avoid an unnecessary c-section. I feel that I am definitely one of those mothers who went into a pregnancy thinking that everything was going to be perfect and NEVER had a thought that I may be bullied or talked into something my body wasn't ready for. I was NOT educated enough about induction and the fact that they fail...I thought you went in they made you go into labor and then you had a baby - vaginally - I was not prepared for trauma and disaster. My whole birthing experience was awful to be honest!

I've never really expressed my feelings about it actually. It was the day my induction was scheduled for and I received a call at 6:30am that my induction would be "postponed" due to the unit being too full at the time. I was PISSED to say the least. I had been having contractions and losing my mucous plug for days before this moment and couldn't sleep through contractions. I was exhausted and more than ready (so I thought) to have this baby. So we try to take my mind off of the contractions and go to Bob Evans for breakfast - I couldn't even eat breakfast  because the contractions were so painful - horrible back labor - and now I know it was most likely position issues that caused the ineffective contractions. So we leave with the entire wait staff thinking I'm about to have this baby anytime!! YEAH RIGHT!!

We go back home - my mom is on her way and we get a call from the hospital at 10:30am that they are able to reschedule my induction and have me come in at 12 noon. I was beyond excited!! So we get there and they do their induction things - and I know I've already shared that part. What I haven't shared is the background noise that was happening.  McKenzie, my mom and my best friend were in the room with me. Doctor gave me a three person limit.  We get to hanging out - my contractions stopped once they gave me the suppository - and we hang out and watch TV and wait 4 hours for things to work. Stress begins to happen - my friend finds out her boyfriend is potentially cheating on her and is an emotional mess - I should have told her it was okay for her to leave - she honestly needed too. I feel like I pressured her to stay with me because I wanted her there - She needed to deal with her issue and being with me was stopping her from doing that but I also needed supportive people who were NOT distracted at all. She was a mess and I feel awful that she felt she could not leave.

I think another reason I agreed to this induction was because McKenzie is not the most patient person and was losing her patience to meet this beautiful baby I was making. I never researched my Bishop score - or asked what my chances for successful vaginal birth were... I will definitely be more prepared the next time around. My provider next time around will NOT induce me or even discuss induction until I reach 42 weeks - and hopefully that will not happen. I have decided that when my due date is given to me I am going to tell people two weeks from that date is my due date - that way people are not pressuring me and asking when I am going to have baby etc. Maybe it will even be a due month rather than due day.

I also do not want this to sound like I am blaming ANYONE for ruining my birth (aside from the doctor who cut me open and traumatized me) I invited all these individuals into my birthing experience and I welcomed everything they came with. I needed to stand up for myself and I did not do that. I was meek and didn't stand my ground but let the stress hurt my labor and I CHOSE for all of this to happen. I will say that next time the ONLY people allowed in the room are McKenzie, my mom, my doula and quite possibly a photographer. NO ONE else and that is because McKenzie and my mom will know my birth plan and know what I need - my doula will obviously know what I need, and I cannot have anyone that has connections to the outside world. My mom may not even be there!! She may have Elsie and be taking care of her while we are giving her a little brother or sister.

This experience is in the future obviously, but I am both excited and scared. It will be quite the journey and the learning experience. I have so much more to learn and read and experience before even trying that. With all that said I will be living April as a month to learn and educate myself and others about the pros and cons of a c section and the awfully high c section rate in this country. It is alarming how many women are given c sections and are traumatized as I was - its unnecessary and it needs to be seen as a problem... just a reminder that is will be MY birth and I will birth MY way and on MY terms - NO ONE knows my body like I know my body and I will experience vaginal birth as the amazing experience that it is and I will feel a healing VBAC - mark my words... MY BODY IS NOT BROKEN

Til later,
Sarah

Day 46:

Things have been awfully hectic around this household lately!! We have had two house guests for the last month! We let my best friend and her son move in with us temporarily while her and her husband were seperated and getting a divorce. Its been rough - We have let people live with us before and I think I forget the commitment it really is. More dishes, more laundry, more people, less room!! We do not have a big house to begin with and I love her to death BUT I will be happy to have the house back to myself - Kenz is going to go back to work at afirst shift job - which will be nice but I also have gotten used to having help with my babysitting kids having my friend AND Kenz here during the day - so I am sure the first few days will be trying! But I will move on. I like the idea that I am helping provide for the family!! I know that McKenzie's job will be able to take care of us solely but I want to be able to go back to school and I'd like to be able to pay for that with the money that I am earning myself!

I have been continuing to think about wanting to try for another baby - I know that right now is not the time to do this! I know that we have decided to wait a little bit, but I still have the desire to do so. I had envisioned a timeline of when my children would be apart age wise and I wanted so badly to keep with that. I wasn't able to necessarily follow it as I'd like because first I had a c-section which messed things up initially and then Elsie got sick - I want Elsie to be able to understand her Diabetes in a certain sense before we have another one. I still have SO much to learn in terms of my next birth and my options and my VBAC rights etc. I am so determined to do everything I can to give birth on my terms.

I have seen so much around me with loss of pregnancy or potential loss of life of their unborn child. It is terrifying to me that that is even an option - I could NOT imagine losing a child that I grew inside my body - and now for some reason this is a HUGE fear of mine.

I have SO much on my mind and I want to sleep for like 24 consecutive hours - Goodnight all!!

Til later,
Sarah

Day 45:

So a little change of pace here for our family. It has been a decision in making and its been a long stressful discussion. BUT we've decided to wait at least another year before we have another baby. We feel this is the best decision for our family. Elsie is new on this pump and we want to make sure to have a good grasp on it - I also would like Elsie to understand more what being a big sister means. We just want to enjoy our family of three for a little bit longer. I think that this decision has made me realize that I have healed from my traumatic birth experience and I am okay with the fact that I didn't have a vaginal birth and I'm no longer in a hurry to prove that I can have a vaginal birth. I know I'll have my VBAC with our next child but I don't need to be selfish with my own desires and make that happen right now! I want a bigger family and so does McKenzie but right now is just not the right time to make that happen.

There have been several "signs" if you will, that have helped make this decision and I think we tried to overlook them because we wanted to badly to have another one. But time is our friend and time will only better prepare our family, my body, and my mind to have a better birth next time around.

My heart has been sad for the last week or so... Someone so dear to me - I will not mention names - has discovered her husband was cheating on her. Worse yet it was with at least one man - possibly more. My heart aches for the heartache she feels. She has a child with him and a house and its so utterly heartbreaking. I cannot imagine cheating on McKenzie - I am so angered by this situation as well because he did communicate his feelings with her before acting on them. I am a strong advocate for communication. I have learned throughout my relationships that communication is the key to a successful marriage or even friendship at that. I never had good communication with previous relationships like I do with McKenzie - and NONE of them were remotely successful. ONE lasted about 3 years but there was little faithfulness involved from my part in that relationship. I just could not imagine sharing the intimacy I share with McKenzie with ANYONE else in the whole world. I have prayed every night for her to find healing in her heart. I know she is so saddened by this as anyone would expect - and I try to help and be there - but I feel I don't do enough. Part of it is I don't know what I should do or shouldn't do. Do I bash her husband and tell her bad things? Do I hug her and reinforce the love they once had? Do I sympathize with her feelings for him still? I've never been in this situation before and I feel I am not handling as a best friend would / should. I have nothing but hatred for her husband - he has personally attacked me and McKenzie recently - so sympathizing would be hard for me to do.

On a happier note my best friend Britt got engaged to Micah on Tuesday! So exciting. This will be the first wedding I've ever been in (other than as a flower girl) and Elsie will be her flower girl!! How exciting!!! Our whole family of three will be in this wedding!! I am beyond happy and excited for her to marry the man of her dreams!! Micah being one of our best friends too its absolutely amazing to know them both so well and to see them share this excitement and this new page in their book its amazing!! I cannot wait to celebrate this day with her!! She deserves this so much!! YAY Britt!!

Well I supposed that is all that is on my mind. Today is Valentines Day! I made 18 homemade valentine cards for McKenzie and have placed them in random spots all over the house!! Hope she likes it!!

Til Later,
Sarah

Day 44: Insulin Pumping Begins

Today we had our first insulin pump training!  We have tubing all hooked up on our little baby girl just no insulin going just yet. We are letting her get used to the pump while we get used to it too! We'll be injecting until next week when we hook up the actual pump with insulin to her. She's such a trooper and hasn't even made a fuss about it yet. 

My mom visited this morning and we hung out before the appointment.  Elsie loves her so much! I love seeing the two of them interact its heart warming!! Won't see my mom again this weekend due to weather!  I'm so sick of this weather!  Kenz will probably be off work late tomorrow and its going to suck but then its the weekend again! Yay! Hoping for some things to work out coming up soon!

Also I am not doing insanity anymore - I'm going to try twice a week to do it but now I'm watching a 9 month old girl and its just not feasible!!! Too much going on for that to be happening!  Not 100% necessary for me right now!!!

Off to bed I go trying to wean the bottle for Elsie starting tonight hopefully just water by next week... keep fingers crossed!!!!

Til Later
Sarah

Day 43:

Today starts a new year for me. I am going to be working out with the Insanity program for 2-3 months. I want to do this to better myself both physically and mentally. I want to be a better role model for Elsie and I want to have her look up to me in terms of fitness and eating habits! Its so important for her to get good nutrition. I cannot wait to do this. Now with that being said I haven't actually done an exercise yet. SO this whole positive outlook may change after today. But I have a really good feeling about this workout thing. I also want to have a happy and healthy life and pregnancy next time I am pregnant and I need to have a positive and healthy lifestyle before I am ready to dive into another pregnancy.

We put in an insurance request for Elsie's insulin pump. We are so excited have her on a pump  and we'll get much better blood sugar and insulin control with the pump. She is having great blood sugars right now but a pump will only better our control over her sugars and being able to give small amounts of insulin to better control the ups and downs. Shes such a trooper and she'll be able to push through anything.

I took before pictures yesterday. Hopefully I will be able to see a difference in my body. Not sure if this is stupid to partake in this when I know that I am going to become pregnant again soon - and all this work on my body may be ruined with the pregnancy - but my doctor told me that anything you did before pregnancy is safe to do during pregnancy. I plan on trying to keep this workout going throughout the next pregnancy, or at least the best I can that is.

Kenz and I had a nice date the other night. My mom watched Elsie and we went to Friday's and got ice cream - it was awesome. Sometimes its nice to get away even just for a little bit to keep our sanity. Elsie is an amazing girl and we are SO lucky to have the daughter we have she is almost always in a great mood - but sometimes we need a break from her so we remember we are adults and not little kids like her. McKenzie has been off work for almost three weeks now and its been awesome to have her here with me and Elsie. I am so happy for the times I have with Elsie and McKenzie. Its going to be so hard when she goes back to work. I will miss her so much and I know Elsie will too!!

Well we are watching some Netflix documentaries now and its close to my favorite thing to do ever!! Happy new year and happy new me!!

Til Later
Sarah

here are my before Insanity pictures