Sunday, April 6, 2014

Day 48: Reading can be difficult...

I recently purchased a book called "Cut, Stapled & Mended" its a book about a woman's journey to VBAC after a negative birth experience.. There have been a lot of differences between my experience and hers but there were similar feelings during the c-section that I wanted share. I almost found myself crying at certain points and re-reading a few sentences over and over... these in particular...

page 43:
      "I am no longer in the body that these things are happening to. I hover around it, not sure what else to do." - its such a scary and weird feeling to know that your entire body is being cut open and violently being ripped and life is actually being pulled out of you - yet you feel nothing and can not move to see this happening just have to trust that the sensations that you do feel are somehow explainable...

     "There is pulling, yanking hard, and pressure in the chest of the body that I used to be inside of. It can't breathe. The pulling, they are pulling the insides out, cutting and yanking." - as I said its so odd to feel nothing yet so much at the same time - and she mentions that classical music was playing - I don't remember music but I do remember them talking about going to the 4H fair and the food they were excited to eat...

page 45:
     "I didn't know how important my belly is to every movement." UNDERSTATEMENT of the century - enough said.

     "The electric hospital bed is the only way I can lift my body into a sitting position. When I cough or sneeze, it feels like the incision is ripping open." - never have I ever been so scared to sneeze in my life - I remember being woken up from the pain as the epidural was wearing off - and wanting so badly to push the PRN button and remembering to push it every 15 minutes - once it stopped beeping and they told me that they were turning it off and they'd take it out later in the day - I wanted to cry because I knew Norco was the only thing I had to take and it NEVER touched the pain I felt. I was breastfeeding so I was scared to ask for more. I even refused a prescription to take with me because I didn't want to affect Elsie after birth... McKenzie made me call the doctor a few days later to get a prescription because I lost myself to pain in a way... the pain of labor was NOTHING to the pain after the surgery.

     "If something is not located on the near edge of the side table, I cannot reach it. When his diaper needs changing, I must ask others to do it. When he needs a bath, I watch wistfully from the hospital bed, imagining that its my hands tenderly holding his head up from the water." - Feeling helpless and useless. I was only needed to feed the baby - I wanted to change her diapers. I wanted to get her out of the bassinet and stop her from crying. I wanted to let McKenzie sleep and not bother her - but I had to wake her up... I felt so guilty and helpless and I am not the type of person who can accept that as okay.

 - I remember NO nurses trying to get me out of bed. I remember being in SO much pain and wanting to get out of bed so badly!! I wish that a nurse would have been there to encourage me to get out of the bed. I had my friend Rosie help me out of bed when she was there the night after she was born... It was so painful - I remember my mom telling me that standing up straight was not possible and BOY was she right. My muscles had just been through TOO MUCH to be able to support my body straight up...  -

This book I think will prove to be very triggering - I think it will be healing and it will be empowering. I am part of  MANY VBAC Facebook groups and almost on a daily basis will I see a successful VBAC post. I also see unsuccessful CBACs too and the support for those women is amazing and I share in the support. I see that they fought and I am so proud of them for trying. There are so many women who truly think that there is NO OTHER option - and I love to see that it it possible and I will fight the good fight too!!

I wanted to talk about this little bit of the book that I read - I will continue to share my feelings on this book... I hope that the book continues to reel me in - read 45 pages in one night and had a hard time stopping!!

Til later,

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