Day 29: 10 months!!

I cannot believe it has been 10 months since Elsie was born!!! Crazy how fast time flew by!! I mean I'm already planning her first birthday party!!! Ahh!!!

So things have changed dramatically since I've written last. I lost my job at he hospital... I'm not going to elaborate on the reason... There really wasn't one but to them to say "not a good fit" whatever that means. I'm obviously heartbroken!! I tried for 4+ years to get into that hospital and now I'll probably never have a change of getting back in!! I'm super bummed out!! I'm trying to see this as a sign that that wasn't where I was supposed to be. I think that I'm going to get my CNA if I can get into some free classes and get into Elkhart General hospital. We'll see where that takes me. In the mean time I'm actively looking for a job... Trying not to stress out too much... Enjoying this time with Elsie and McKenzie.

My family has been crazy supportive since I lost my job! It's been very helpful!!

Tonight we did the "cry it out" method with Elsie. It was super hard to do but wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. She fell asleep rather quickly... I suppose she was quite worn out. Poor thing! She has 2 teeth now!! This little guys took what seemed like forever to come in!! They are so cute though!! She's growing up so fast...

I'm anxious about her birthday. I'm scared to feel the crazy slew of emotions I felt a year ago that day. I know I'll be so busy that day and I doubt I'll think about it but I'm scared none the less. I just really hope that it doesn't bring up all those feelings again...

I'm also anxious to stop breastfeeding Elsie. It's such an amazing connection that I share with her...as annoying as pumping is... And I'll be ready to be done for sure... I know a part of me will miss is like crazy!!

Super late moms over for the night... Couldn't sleep had to get some stuff out... Super excited for a day with grandma tomorrow!!! YAY!!!

Day 30:

Broken... That's a word I can't seem to get out of my head right now...I've been struggling so much lately again with the c-section. There are many reasons I can think of as to why these thoughts are back in my head. 1- McKenzie and I have been talking about having another baby - not soon but just been talking about the idea of a second baby- and so I've been kinda reliving the labor and birth of Elsie...  Doing a lot of what ifs and maybe I shouldn't have done this etc. 2 - because of the talking about another baby I've been researching VBACs and the pros and cons of VBACs vs RCSs. 3 - it's almost Elsie's one year birthday! And the 1 year anniversary of my traumatic birth experience. 4 - my cousin Jennifer was getting ready to and just had her baby on June 20th. And OF COURSE she had a vaginal birth!! I am SO happy for her!! I am jealous of her birth experience!!  they've tried forever to get pregnant and i am so happy for her to be a mom! its seriously the best thing ever! Everyone I know I feel like gets to and Ie am not sure what I did so wrong to be stripped of that!! 

I've done a lot of research on VBACs and I will be doing hypnobabies for VBAC birth. I will also be hiring a doula - if you know of any good ones in elkhart, hit me up! - there are a lot of things I am going to do different to prepare. I think the most important is having a doctor I trust!! 

ANYWAY!!! Elsie is almost one!! Oh my goodness!! So I was working at a bakery but Kenz got a job at keystone rv company and so I get to stay home!! YAY!!! I have told mckenzie so many times already that it means so much to me and I don't think I'll ever get to thank her for all she's doing for us!! For our family!! It's amazing of her to make this step!! I am SO proud of her!! 

So far staying at home has been awesome!! I love it. I know I don't clean nearly as much as Kenz did but I'll  get the hang of it and be better!! I have to find my groove!! 

Well Elsie's down for the night (finally) and I should get moving to bed here soon!! 

Til later

Sarah