Day 25:

So much on my mind tonight!! That friend of mine that was expecting a baby and they knew she was going to be sick and they weren't sure if the baby would be able to breathe on her own. Well she was born today and was crying as she was born!! She is breathing on her own!! How awesome!! I've prayed so hard for this little lady to be okay!! So happy for them!!

We got Elsie's 6 month pictures done today!! She smiled so awesome for them!!! We got so many cute poses!! She's amazing!! There was even one point where she was creating her own poses besides the one the photographer put her in!! She called her a super model!! Aww hers is!!!

So what's on my mind on a much unhappier note is my guilt from my past ad how it will effect my future!! I had struggled with self harm from when I was about 13-18 and again a few winters ago! But I fear for the day that Elsie asks me what the scars are from, should I be honest with her? If I do will it give he the idea to do it too? Will it show her that that is a healthy coping skill for her? I'm so scared and co fused!! I know I don't really need to worry about this right now, but at some point I will!! Ugh!!

Kathan family Christmas is this weekend (my moms side) we're having it on the 9 year anniversary of my grandma Stella's (the woman who started it all!) death! I still remember that night!! We came home from San Diego and our flights were delayed and everything! It took us forever to get there and they were waiting for us to get there to take her off of the ventilation!! I remember having Tom pick me up!! I was so crushed by her death!! She meant the world to me!! I wish she could have been here to meet Elsie!! She would have just loved her!! And Elsie would have LOVED grandma Stella!! Makes me so sad to honk its been 9 years now! Crazy how much changes and how much happens in 9 years!!

My hand are like sand paper right now! From all this hand washing I do at work!! I'm very psycho about washing them so that I do not bring anything home to Elsie!! I would feel absolutely awful of I got Elsie sick from something at work because that is TOTALLY preventable!! Well now my lunch is about over I need to get back out on the floor!!

Wish us safe travels to Michigan either Friday night or Saturday morning. Depending on weather.

Til later
Sarah

Day 24: 6 Months

Tomorrow marks 6 months since I gave birth to Elsie. I cannot believe it will be that long already! It seriously feels like it just happened!! I am so proud of her! She is amazing, smart, and hilarious! I love her so much I cannot begin to describe it in words!!

I have been doing MUCH better in terms of flash backs and issues with the c-section. Believe it or not I think that finding out my placenta was detaching was the best thing for me to here. I was able to stop blaming myself, and allow myself to mentally heal. I still get anxious but its more like once a week rather than multiple times a day. I have been taking my medication and I feel that that has helped me tremendously!

I am supposed to go to a psychiatrist and talk about things and also do some EMDR treatment, but I feel like I can talk to McKenzie about this and feel better – McKenzie was there and knows how scary it was. I don’t want to have to explain the whole situation to someone else that has NO idea what happened! Not that I cannot talk about it but if it’s not necessary, I don’t really want to do it. I think that I will wait a bit, and see how I do with communicating my issues with McKenzie before I make the appointment with her. I know I cannot do this alone – but I’d like to do it with McKenzie and feel 100% comfortable!

So Elsie should be crawling any day now! I cannot believe how big she is! She’s beautiful and amazing! Today is McKenzie’s birthday, shes 26 years old! She brought me to work today – and on her way home watched the sunrise with Elsie! How awesome!! I am so glad she got that moment with her! We went up to Grand Rapids yesterday. My parents watched Elsie and we went on a date! We went to dinner at a resturant called the Twisted Rooster! It was a fun place! They pride themselves in buying locally grown food items including meats and vegetable and they change with the seasons. I thought that was really cool!  The food was good! We then went to a movie, we saw This is 40! It was funny – it was like 2 hours long and after a while – I am pretty sure it was toward the end of the movie but we were like, “we miss  Elsie, when is this movie over so we can go see her!?” it was funny!! We won her a couple balls from a crane machine! I don’t do anything without thinking of her now!

So I realized that I MUST be doing better because I no longer have the need to blog everyday! I feel that I am able to cope with my day to day feelings without writing them out! I feel though as I see how many page views I have had daily that I should give an update!

I am 6 months post partum! I am tackling my post partum depression and my c-section PTSD with courage, and hope! I am not giving up and at this point in time, it is a new year and this year is going to be the 2^nd best year of my life!! I am going to spend as much time as I can with my amazing daughter and I am going to make and share so many memories as a family! I am anxiously excited about what the year has to bring to us as a family!!

Cheers to a good year!! Thank everyone who reads my blog for silently supporting me. Seeing the page views makes me feel that what I am doing is being seen and it helps me know people are interested in this and I am not just doing this for me!! Thank you!! Your support is heard  loud and clear!!!

Til Later - Sarah