Day 29: 10 months!!

I cannot believe it has been 10 months since Elsie was born!!! Crazy how fast time flew by!! I mean I'm already planning her first birthday party!!! Ahh!!!

So things have changed dramatically since I've written last. I lost my job at he hospital... I'm not going to elaborate on the reason... There really wasn't one but to them to say "not a good fit" whatever that means. I'm obviously heartbroken!! I tried for 4+ years to get into that hospital and now I'll probably never have a change of getting back in!! I'm super bummed out!! I'm trying to see this as a sign that that wasn't where I was supposed to be. I think that I'm going to get my CNA if I can get into some free classes and get into Elkhart General hospital. We'll see where that takes me. In the mean time I'm actively looking for a job... Trying not to stress out too much... Enjoying this time with Elsie and McKenzie.

My family has been crazy supportive since I lost my job! It's been very helpful!!

Tonight we did the "cry it out" method with Elsie. It was super hard to do but wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. She fell asleep rather quickly... I suppose she was quite worn out. Poor thing! She has 2 teeth now!! This little guys took what seemed like forever to come in!! They are so cute though!! She's growing up so fast...

I'm anxious about her birthday. I'm scared to feel the crazy slew of emotions I felt a year ago that day. I know I'll be so busy that day and I doubt I'll think about it but I'm scared none the less. I just really hope that it doesn't bring up all those feelings again...

I'm also anxious to stop breastfeeding Elsie. It's such an amazing connection that I share with her...as annoying as pumping is... And I'll be ready to be done for sure... I know a part of me will miss is like crazy!!

Super late moms over for the night... Couldn't sleep had to get some stuff out... Super excited for a day with grandma tomorrow!!! YAY!!!

Day 30:

Broken... That's a word I can't seem to get out of my head right now...I've been struggling so much lately again with the c-section. There are many reasons I can think of as to why these thoughts are back in my head. 1- McKenzie and I have been talking about having another baby - not soon but just been talking about the idea of a second baby- and so I've been kinda reliving the labor and birth of Elsie...  Doing a lot of what ifs and maybe I shouldn't have done this etc. 2 - because of the talking about another baby I've been researching VBACs and the pros and cons of VBACs vs RCSs. 3 - it's almost Elsie's one year birthday! And the 1 year anniversary of my traumatic birth experience. 4 - my cousin Jennifer was getting ready to and just had her baby on June 20th. And OF COURSE she had a vaginal birth!! I am SO happy for her!! I am jealous of her birth experience!!  they've tried forever to get pregnant and i am so happy for her to be a mom! its seriously the best thing ever! Everyone I know I feel like gets to and Ie am not sure what I did so wrong to be stripped of that!! 

I've done a lot of research on VBACs and I will be doing hypnobabies for VBAC birth. I will also be hiring a doula - if you know of any good ones in elkhart, hit me up! - there are a lot of things I am going to do different to prepare. I think the most important is having a doctor I trust!! 

ANYWAY!!! Elsie is almost one!! Oh my goodness!! So I was working at a bakery but Kenz got a job at keystone rv company and so I get to stay home!! YAY!!! I have told mckenzie so many times already that it means so much to me and I don't think I'll ever get to thank her for all she's doing for us!! For our family!! It's amazing of her to make this step!! I am SO proud of her!! 

So far staying at home has been awesome!! I love it. I know I don't clean nearly as much as Kenz did but I'll  get the hang of it and be better!! I have to find my groove!! 

Well Elsie's down for the night (finally) and I should get moving to bed here soon!! 

Til later

Sarah

Day 28:

So its been a long time since I've blogged at all...I'm a little apprehensive to blog now that my privacy has been betrayed.

 

I'll walk you through the last few weeks!! I no longer work at Oaklawn at all anymore. I was contacted by my supervisor and the VP of human resources. They informed me they would like to talk to me and wanted to set up a meeting. I'm not stupid and I know that means you are getting fired...You do not meet with VP of HR unless they are kicking you to the curb. SOOO I told them I'd rather not come in and that I was very confused as to what this was about and asked for more information. They told me that it was not something to discuss via e-mail and that they'd like to set up a phone conference to talk to me about things. Mind you this was a few days after I taught a CPR class with a new(er) instructor. They proceeded to tell me that because I had people pick up two of my CPR/First Aid classes for me and that I wasn't in attendance it showed that I was not fulfilling my obligations as an instructor. I explained that I myself covered for myself and I didn't see an issue if the class was still taught why it was a big deal that someone else besides me taught it. BUT of course that was a stipulation for my supervisor to keep me as casual CPR instructor was my attendance issue since I was terminated from residential for attendance related issues. BLAH BLAH BLAH!! So then here comes the unbelievable betrayal from Oaklawn!! VP of HR tells me that it was brought to her attention that I had a personal blog (key word in my mind was personal) and that I made a comment that was inappropriate about my supervisors. This blog as I understand is available for the public but its not broad casted for all to read. I did NOT share this with many people - I know people view it daily and keep updated on it but only a few people have I given this address to and I have not publicly shared this link with ANYONE so Oaklawn had to have searched me out to find this blog and read each and everyone of these entries searching for something to nail me on. AND they found it!! This is word for word the ONLY thing I said about my supervisors in my blog with the exception of this entry...

 

"I was supposed to have an interview at Bashor tonight... I couldn't bring myself to go to it!! I am so happy to be done at Oaklawn at least with the residential! I have been so happy since I don't work there anymore. That place was so awesome to me in 2008-2009. I grew so much as a person. I am WAY more open minded, understanding, assertive, and outgoing than I ever was before in my entire life! I am so thankful and grateful to Oaklawn for the skills it has taught me. I know that I will use those skills as a parent and I am thankful to have been part of the organization. I think once the DBT unit closed down and we didn't focus so much on those individuals I lost hope in Oaklawn! The DBT was my favorite program ever! I put so much effort and time into the unit! I was there where those girls were I wanted to help them and that was The ONLY time at Oaklawn I felt useful and felt that I actually helped save some girls lives! It was such an amazing feeling, and since then I never felt good about my job. It suddenly wasn't about the kids anymore!! Now that I am back in a hospital working I feel as if there is purpose!! I help people get better - in an entirely different way now but it's purposeful!! I don't feel taken advantage of by my supervisors!! I love my job!! And I need to get healthy mentally so I can be happy in all aspects of my life. I have nothing to be angry about in my life, I have a beautiful daughter, a loving wife, a healthy relationship, my own health and I am doing well for myself!!"

 

I didn't name anything in specific about any certain person - I was speaking very general about the organization and it was nothing factual it was my opinion about the place and how things have changed. I understand that things need to change to a certain degree and I didn't feel that the change was something that worked for me and I was not comfortable anymore and it was NOT entirely Oaklawn's fault. I wasn't prepared to change with their expectations. This MIND YOU was from an entry dated 11/28/2012 and I was terminated from my employment because of it on 02/18/2013!!

 

Here's my opinion about why it was so much after the entry and after my termination from Residential. 1) it was now 4 months since I was terminated from a full time position and you can only claim unemployment for UP TO 3 MONTHS after termination from full time position so them keeping me as casual had some SERIOUS ulterior motives!! 2) they had to search back to November to find something in my blog that was "inappropriate" if this was brought to their attention now why would it be an entry from 3months ago? I think that either they sought me out to find something or they waited to act on this allegation until I couldn't claim unemployment anymore.

 

ANYWAY I feel betrayed and shocked that Oaklawn would do this. I knew they were capable of some shady things but this BY FAR topped the cake!! I am very happy to be done with Oaklawn. I am SO VERY happy with my job at Goshen Hospital and the individuals I work with. I am doing well at this point of my life. I am happy and I am moving forward and Oaklawn always seemed to keep me in a stand still and now I am no longer allowing that to happen.

 

SO back to an update on ME. Elsie is almost 8 months old, shes almost been alive as long as it took me to make her!! How crazy is that?! I have been able to successfully breast feed her for almost 8months now, and I had to do some recon work as far as my supply goes but I was able to save it and increase it back to a good stocked supply when I go to work. I will be needing to increase again here soon, but I am confident that I will be able to breast feed her for 12 months. I actually cannot wait until she turns 1 year old in terms of breast feeding!! As much as I love it I am ready to be done with the pumping. I want to eat seafood BAD!! I am very nervous however to dry up though. I do not know what to expect, I haven't researched much about it but I am sure when I do that I will be more prepared!! I will hopefully be able to donate my excess breast milk, because it would break my heart to have to throw away all the frozen breast milk that I have stocked up. My mom even has some in her deep freezer!!

 

Elsie is dong amazing crawling, and pulling herself up on things to standing. She falls often but she never gives up and that encourages me to never give up. I see her get frustrated but she still goes for what she desires and I think that if most adults followed this state of mind we'd accomplish our goals and meet our dreams more often than we actually do. Shes amazing!! She is my best friend!! She is the funniest person I know!! McKenzie her and I are so happy, she loves us both so much, and she's so happy!! We'll be moving soon, and into an apartment - it will be very different but it will work out for the best. We can have our dogs and we're going to be safer and happier with a 24 hour maintenance service and not required to do so much house repair etc. Its moving that is going to suck - but we'll be alright.

 

I'll update soon!! Thanks for the support!! Whichever one of you who read this and ratted me out to Oaklawn - if you did... EFF YOU!! You are petty and pathetic!!

 

Sorry I had to get that out there...

 

Til Later - Sarah

Day 27:

It's so funny! As soon as I blog about my worries with my milk supply, I leave for work this morning and notice that I just put 10oz of milk in the fridge, and that there is 3 more bags of 8oz or more in the fridge for today!! I don't know if you realize how absolutely AWESOME that is!! I am so happy to be ahead (in terms of milk supply) again!! I don't think I'll have enough to freeze or anything - BUT its a start!!

Also Miss Elsie fell asleep in her bed all by herself last night!! We gave her a bath, and she was whining a bit, so we set her in her bed. She did not cry but whined a little bit and continued to rub her blanket on her face! She has yet to be able to sleep on her own!! We were such proud little Mommies last night!! She didn't eat before she fell asleep so she woke up right as we were going to bed at like 10:30pm but ate and went to sleep!! Shes doing a bit better in terms of her sleeping! I know that we're lucky if she sleeps 5 hours! But it feels AWESOME when she does.

I have three days off after today! I am super excited! I do have to teach CPR at Oaklawn on Tuesday but that will no be too bad! I have noticed a HUGE difference in my attitude and my stress level since I have worked at Goshen Hospital. I enjoy my job, I enjoy getting up everyday and going to work! I don't remember a time when I did that at Oaklawn!! As much as I loved the kids there things were not like they used to be. The focus switched from the kids to the money - and I am not sure the exact time that all switched but it was very sad when it happened and that's when I started to not like being there. I struggled a lot with Oaklawn. I am happy, so happy, where I am now - I love the people I work with (there's a few annoying ones) and I love the patients that I work with. Some are heart wrenching and some warm my heart! Its so fulfilling and rewarding - There is nothing like this!

I hope someday to be able to work in the birthing unit. I think it would be awesome to help mothers through and after labor - it wouldn't have anything to do with babies but they'd be there obviously and I think it would be a great place to work.

Slow weekend at the hospital - slow is good - except it makes for a very dragging day!! I do get to spend more time with the patients and talk to them and get to know them! Its nice to hear stories from the older patients. This 90 year old man was telling me about when he saw a computer for the first time in June of 1947. He was at graduate school and he said it took up an entire room!! He said that all that fitting into an ipad is why he wants nothing to do with modern technology!! haha! LOVE IT!! He was adorable!!!

Well getting busy - so I need to take off!! Til Later!!
Sarah

Day 26:

Things are going well, my little munchkin is almost crawling! She's 19 whole pounds now!! 26 1/4 inches long!! Shes wonderful!! She was in the 50th percentile for her height, and still the 90th for her weight!! I talked to the doctor about lactation. I am lowering my supply and I'm trying to keep it up and keep enough milk to provide for Elsie while I am away at work for 12+ hours. There have been times that McKenzie has had to use the frozen milk. Elsie is picky of course and she does not like to drink ANYTHING but fresh milk or straight out of the boob! Shes a little stinker!! We have tried to supplement with Formula but she will have nothing of it!! I am proud of her for not liking it - it grosses me out too - but that puts a lot of pressure on my to keep my milk supply up! I've made some cookies and taken herbs and I am not having a lot of success with any of it. I am able to make enough still about 32(ish) ounces a day for her. She sometimes drinks more than that however! I talked to a lactation consultant at work one day and she suggested to offer more solid foods and less milk while I am away at work, and nurse her when I am home. So I think we're going to try that too - she LOVES food (obviously shes 19lbs now! haha) She also suggested that if we have to use the frozen to mix it with the fresh, that way we're using less fresh and keeping a good stock in the fridge. We'll try our best. I am not concerned with supplementing - if we have to we have and I think that I have done GREAT at keeping her strictly breast milk for 6 months of her life. Doctor also said that she is in NO way lacking of anything - Shes super healthy and my breast milk has accounted for a lot of her health. McKenzie and I BOTH had the stomach flu last week - and her awesome little immune system refused to give it to her!! YAY!! It was hard to breast feed feeling like that, but everything I've read was that because my body makes antibodies to the virus I had - it gives them to baby via my breast milk!! MY BODY IS AMAZING!! I keep impressing myself almost everyday. I think that having a baby is seriously the BIGGEST confidence booster there is - if you didn't like yourself and your body before (maybe its not as pretty) but your body just did something that only women can do and not all women can successfully do this! Its made me feel pretty awesome about myself!! I know I'll NEVER wear a two piece bathing suit again, but I had a baby!!

McKenzie told me last night that she thinks she wants 3 kids. (that's my ideal number) She goes back and forth so much though! Sometimes she doesn't want anymore, because it was too scary with the c-section and all that, but then there are days where she tells me she wants 3 like last night!! I know that we'll have as many as we feel is right for our family! Luckily we get to make that decision pretty concrete - because we don't have an option for the "oopsie" baby! ALL of our children will be planned, and wanted!! I told Kenz last night I'll be pregnant as many times as she wants me to be!!

I feel so lucky everyday for the experiences I have faced in the last 6 months!! I am so excited for the next experiences to come. There was a void in my life until 6 months ago! I was and am happy with McKenzie - but a family is what has made me feel complete!! I am so debted to my daughter - and she'll never know how much I truly needed her in my life!! I'll NEVER be able to repay her for the amazing gifts she has given to me! Because of her I have a new found believe in God, I actually have a relationship with my mother, my relationship with McKenzie is better than ever (I think), just so many things!!

We're getting ready to move out of our house, we need something with 2 or 3 bedrooms!! Elsie needs her own room!! We need our own room!! I am excited but sad at the same time to move out and not have Don and Helen as our landlords anymore! They are amazing!! They have been awesome with us!!

Changes are a coming! Here I am welcoming them with open arms and a smile!! Excited for the future!!

Sarah

Day 25:

So much on my mind tonight!! That friend of mine that was expecting a baby and they knew she was going to be sick and they weren't sure if the baby would be able to breathe on her own. Well she was born today and was crying as she was born!! She is breathing on her own!! How awesome!! I've prayed so hard for this little lady to be okay!! So happy for them!!

We got Elsie's 6 month pictures done today!! She smiled so awesome for them!!! We got so many cute poses!! She's amazing!! There was even one point where she was creating her own poses besides the one the photographer put her in!! She called her a super model!! Aww hers is!!!

So what's on my mind on a much unhappier note is my guilt from my past ad how it will effect my future!! I had struggled with self harm from when I was about 13-18 and again a few winters ago! But I fear for the day that Elsie asks me what the scars are from, should I be honest with her? If I do will it give he the idea to do it too? Will it show her that that is a healthy coping skill for her? I'm so scared and co fused!! I know I don't really need to worry about this right now, but at some point I will!! Ugh!!

Kathan family Christmas is this weekend (my moms side) we're having it on the 9 year anniversary of my grandma Stella's (the woman who started it all!) death! I still remember that night!! We came home from San Diego and our flights were delayed and everything! It took us forever to get there and they were waiting for us to get there to take her off of the ventilation!! I remember having Tom pick me up!! I was so crushed by her death!! She meant the world to me!! I wish she could have been here to meet Elsie!! She would have just loved her!! And Elsie would have LOVED grandma Stella!! Makes me so sad to honk its been 9 years now! Crazy how much changes and how much happens in 9 years!!

My hand are like sand paper right now! From all this hand washing I do at work!! I'm very psycho about washing them so that I do not bring anything home to Elsie!! I would feel absolutely awful of I got Elsie sick from something at work because that is TOTALLY preventable!! Well now my lunch is about over I need to get back out on the floor!!

Wish us safe travels to Michigan either Friday night or Saturday morning. Depending on weather.

Til later
Sarah

Day 24: 6 Months

Tomorrow marks 6 months since I gave birth to Elsie. I cannot believe it will be that long already! It seriously feels like it just happened!! I am so proud of her! She is amazing, smart, and hilarious! I love her so much I cannot begin to describe it in words!!

I have been doing MUCH better in terms of flash backs and issues with the c-section. Believe it or not I think that finding out my placenta was detaching was the best thing for me to here. I was able to stop blaming myself, and allow myself to mentally heal. I still get anxious but its more like once a week rather than multiple times a day. I have been taking my medication and I feel that that has helped me tremendously!

I am supposed to go to a psychiatrist and talk about things and also do some EMDR treatment, but I feel like I can talk to McKenzie about this and feel better – McKenzie was there and knows how scary it was. I don’t want to have to explain the whole situation to someone else that has NO idea what happened! Not that I cannot talk about it but if it’s not necessary, I don’t really want to do it. I think that I will wait a bit, and see how I do with communicating my issues with McKenzie before I make the appointment with her. I know I cannot do this alone – but I’d like to do it with McKenzie and feel 100% comfortable!

So Elsie should be crawling any day now! I cannot believe how big she is! She’s beautiful and amazing! Today is McKenzie’s birthday, shes 26 years old! She brought me to work today – and on her way home watched the sunrise with Elsie! How awesome!! I am so glad she got that moment with her! We went up to Grand Rapids yesterday. My parents watched Elsie and we went on a date! We went to dinner at a resturant called the Twisted Rooster! It was a fun place! They pride themselves in buying locally grown food items including meats and vegetable and they change with the seasons. I thought that was really cool!  The food was good! We then went to a movie, we saw This is 40! It was funny – it was like 2 hours long and after a while – I am pretty sure it was toward the end of the movie but we were like, “we miss  Elsie, when is this movie over so we can go see her!?” it was funny!! We won her a couple balls from a crane machine! I don’t do anything without thinking of her now!

So I realized that I MUST be doing better because I no longer have the need to blog everyday! I feel that I am able to cope with my day to day feelings without writing them out! I feel though as I see how many page views I have had daily that I should give an update!

I am 6 months post partum! I am tackling my post partum depression and my c-section PTSD with courage, and hope! I am not giving up and at this point in time, it is a new year and this year is going to be the 2^nd best year of my life!! I am going to spend as much time as I can with my amazing daughter and I am going to make and share so many memories as a family! I am anxiously excited about what the year has to bring to us as a family!!

Cheers to a good year!! Thank everyone who reads my blog for silently supporting me. Seeing the page views makes me feel that what I am doing is being seen and it helps me know people are interested in this and I am not just doing this for me!! Thank you!! Your support is heard  loud and clear!!!

Til Later - Sarah