Day 45:

So a little change of pace here for our family. It has been a decision in making and its been a long stressful discussion. BUT we've decided to wait at least another year before we have another baby. We feel this is the best decision for our family. Elsie is new on this pump and we want to make sure to have a good grasp on it - I also would like Elsie to understand more what being a big sister means. We just want to enjoy our family of three for a little bit longer. I think that this decision has made me realize that I have healed from my traumatic birth experience and I am okay with the fact that I didn't have a vaginal birth and I'm no longer in a hurry to prove that I can have a vaginal birth. I know I'll have my VBAC with our next child but I don't need to be selfish with my own desires and make that happen right now! I want a bigger family and so does McKenzie but right now is just not the right time to make that happen.

There have been several "signs" if you will, that have helped make this decision and I think we tried to overlook them because we wanted to badly to have another one. But time is our friend and time will only better prepare our family, my body, and my mind to have a better birth next time around.

My heart has been sad for the last week or so... Someone so dear to me - I will not mention names - has discovered her husband was cheating on her. Worse yet it was with at least one man - possibly more. My heart aches for the heartache she feels. She has a child with him and a house and its so utterly heartbreaking. I cannot imagine cheating on McKenzie - I am so angered by this situation as well because he did communicate his feelings with her before acting on them. I am a strong advocate for communication. I have learned throughout my relationships that communication is the key to a successful marriage or even friendship at that. I never had good communication with previous relationships like I do with McKenzie - and NONE of them were remotely successful. ONE lasted about 3 years but there was little faithfulness involved from my part in that relationship. I just could not imagine sharing the intimacy I share with McKenzie with ANYONE else in the whole world. I have prayed every night for her to find healing in her heart. I know she is so saddened by this as anyone would expect - and I try to help and be there - but I feel I don't do enough. Part of it is I don't know what I should do or shouldn't do. Do I bash her husband and tell her bad things? Do I hug her and reinforce the love they once had? Do I sympathize with her feelings for him still? I've never been in this situation before and I feel I am not handling as a best friend would / should. I have nothing but hatred for her husband - he has personally attacked me and McKenzie recently - so sympathizing would be hard for me to do.

On a happier note my best friend Britt got engaged to Micah on Tuesday! So exciting. This will be the first wedding I've ever been in (other than as a flower girl) and Elsie will be her flower girl!! How exciting!!! Our whole family of three will be in this wedding!! I am beyond happy and excited for her to marry the man of her dreams!! Micah being one of our best friends too its absolutely amazing to know them both so well and to see them share this excitement and this new page in their book its amazing!! I cannot wait to celebrate this day with her!! She deserves this so much!! YAY Britt!!

Well I supposed that is all that is on my mind. Today is Valentines Day! I made 18 homemade valentine cards for McKenzie and have placed them in random spots all over the house!! Hope she likes it!!

Til Later,
Sarah

Day 44: Insulin Pumping Begins

Today we had our first insulin pump training!  We have tubing all hooked up on our little baby girl just no insulin going just yet. We are letting her get used to the pump while we get used to it too! We'll be injecting until next week when we hook up the actual pump with insulin to her. She's such a trooper and hasn't even made a fuss about it yet. 

My mom visited this morning and we hung out before the appointment.  Elsie loves her so much! I love seeing the two of them interact its heart warming!! Won't see my mom again this weekend due to weather!  I'm so sick of this weather!  Kenz will probably be off work late tomorrow and its going to suck but then its the weekend again! Yay! Hoping for some things to work out coming up soon!

Also I am not doing insanity anymore - I'm going to try twice a week to do it but now I'm watching a 9 month old girl and its just not feasible!!! Too much going on for that to be happening!  Not 100% necessary for me right now!!!

Off to bed I go trying to wean the bottle for Elsie starting tonight hopefully just water by next week... keep fingers crossed!!!!

Til Later
Sarah

Day 43:

Today starts a new year for me. I am going to be working out with the Insanity program for 2-3 months. I want to do this to better myself both physically and mentally. I want to be a better role model for Elsie and I want to have her look up to me in terms of fitness and eating habits! Its so important for her to get good nutrition. I cannot wait to do this. Now with that being said I haven't actually done an exercise yet. SO this whole positive outlook may change after today. But I have a really good feeling about this workout thing. I also want to have a happy and healthy life and pregnancy next time I am pregnant and I need to have a positive and healthy lifestyle before I am ready to dive into another pregnancy.

We put in an insurance request for Elsie's insulin pump. We are so excited have her on a pump  and we'll get much better blood sugar and insulin control with the pump. She is having great blood sugars right now but a pump will only better our control over her sugars and being able to give small amounts of insulin to better control the ups and downs. Shes such a trooper and she'll be able to push through anything.

I took before pictures yesterday. Hopefully I will be able to see a difference in my body. Not sure if this is stupid to partake in this when I know that I am going to become pregnant again soon - and all this work on my body may be ruined with the pregnancy - but my doctor told me that anything you did before pregnancy is safe to do during pregnancy. I plan on trying to keep this workout going throughout the next pregnancy, or at least the best I can that is.

Kenz and I had a nice date the other night. My mom watched Elsie and we went to Friday's and got ice cream - it was awesome. Sometimes its nice to get away even just for a little bit to keep our sanity. Elsie is an amazing girl and we are SO lucky to have the daughter we have she is almost always in a great mood - but sometimes we need a break from her so we remember we are adults and not little kids like her. McKenzie has been off work for almost three weeks now and its been awesome to have her here with me and Elsie. I am so happy for the times I have with Elsie and McKenzie. Its going to be so hard when she goes back to work. I will miss her so much and I know Elsie will too!!

Well we are watching some Netflix documentaries now and its close to my favorite thing to do ever!! Happy new year and happy new me!!

Til Later
Sarah

here are my before Insanity pictures

Day: 42

Okay so things have been put into a whole new perspective! We had fed Elsie around 3:30pm and gave insulin etc for it. But she was hungry about two hours later. We had thought we couldn’t give insulin for 3-4 hours after it was given last. So we called our diabetic educator to get some help. But we didn’t hear back right away so we just did what we thought we were supposed to do. WELL she called us about 30 mins after we gave her insulin 3.5 hours after we gave it to her before, well she manages to tell us that we should only correct her sugar if it has been between 3.5 and 4.5 hours since we last corrected blood sugar! HOWEVER we are supposed to give insulin for carbs EVERY TIME she eats something! This means that she doesn’t need to necessarily eat three set meals a day. ANYTIME she eats food we count carbs and if its not enough to cover for (at least .35 units) then we fix it next time we correct her sugar.

I am sure I’ve lost everyone at this point. However this makes so much sense to me and Kenz. This news was so liberating! This seriously opens up so many more opportunities. I can seriously regulate this blood sugar knowing this! I cannot believe we were not told this before now. This is ridiculous! I cannot believe that this AMAZING piece of information was allowed to slip through the cracks! This is how I now know how to be a pancreas! I am pissed that we didn’t know this until then. I cannot wait for tomorrow!!  Its going to be awesome! December 18^th we are going to have another appointment with Dr. Riggs. I called Noreen today to let her know we’d like to talk about pumps with him. She was all for it! Having an insulin pump will seriously make our lives SO much better! I cannot wait for the moment!

So Kenz and I have still been talking about having baby #2 even with all this drama! Its always been something that we want for our family and even with a 5% chance of baby number two having diabetes but it isn’t like diabetes is a good reason to not have another kid. Lots of people have multiple kids and a lot of them have kids that are diabetic and some that aren’t. BUT the more we talk about it the more stressed Kenz gets and me too. I tell Kenz how important it is to plan plan plan because of the fact that if I have to have another c-section I WILL need help! I will NOT be able to pick Elsie up for a least a week without risking some complications. I do not intend on an c-section at all but I have to plan this pregnancy with that being a factor. I explained that we need to conceive in either February or March so that baby would be born on or around McKenzie’s shut down for thanksgiving or Christmas. If we do not try in the spring then I explained that trying in October would be our best bet so that baby would be born around July shut down – and Elsie’s birthday and which is why I would like to try this spring.

BUT I get scared thinking about it. I can handle a pregnancy no problem but every time I think about getting pregnant I am so excited and nervous at the same time. I get nervous because I am so much more educated this time around and I know what I went through the first time is something I am going to do EVERYTHING to avoid next time around. No induction, no pitocin, no epidural!! This is possible to be done without these interventions and I trust my body and I know that I will birth a baby out of my vagina!! Sorry if that’s TMI. Anyways I think that my fear comes from not knowing what to expect and its all scary this will be like a first time labor/birth for me so its all new scary but exciting at the same time!!

Christmas is right around the corner and with this new idea of what insulin is really used for its going to be a much better holiday!! Happy happy happy!! Take care everyone!!

Til Later,

Sarah

Giveaway!!

http://www.d-mom.com/

This website is giving away a book for parents with type one diabetic children! With everything going on lately I could use all the thee help I can get!

I'm blogging this to get better chances at winning a free copy of this book....

Day 41:

Tonight I am full of thought. I have struggled with this Diabetes thing like none other lately. I HATE that I have to carefully plan out each meal, snack, and drink Elsie gets. It is SO hard to try to force a 16 month old to eat 3 or 4 meals a day on a schedule. Some days are better than others. Some days she’s hungry right when I plan her to be. Some days she’s hungry but not for what I’ve cooked for her to eat. Some days she just snacks all day. There is no normal to any given day. I cannot wait for the day when I have a “normal” day. I know that my normal would be so much different than most moms with a 16 month old’s day but I can only hope to find my own normal.

Some days I feel that I try to take too much control in the situation. Kenz was off work for 9 days and only cooked calculated and provided insulin for ONE meal! I know that that is not because she’s not comfortable doing it or that she doesn’t want to do it. I think it’s partly because I won’t let her have as much control as I should.

Elsie has been fighting sleep lately as well. She is just so go go go and doesn’t want to stop! Even for a nap! She’s too busy for sleep. Night time is usually when I feel most guilty for her. She is usually HIGH at night around 300 or so and I am not supposed to correct for her sugar at bedtime and let her “ride high” and let Lantus do its job. Which is easier said than done. When I have 130 and 200 blood sugars all day (which they want us between 80-200 so that’s good) and then 300+ at night and usually all night, I have a hard time not feeling awful!

I know that high blood sugars cause symptoms and I do not want Elsie to feel bad while she tries to sleep. She doesn’t seem to be affected by the high sugars at night but I am just a worried mom and do not want to cause anymore discomfort for her!

Yesterday was an awful day, after having Kenz home for 9 days and she did almost all the housework and stuff it was really hard to get back into the groove of things and Elsie didn’t take a nap and was so bored yesterday. I thought I was going to have a nervous break down. Kenz made a comment about how I am crazy because I want to have more kids. I told Kenz that some days are going to be more stressful than others with or without a child with diabetes. She did understand me when I said it like that.

SO much on my mind…struggling to get it all out of my head…some things I am scared to say…

Til later

Sarah

Day 40:

Went to family thanksgivings this week! It was nice seeing everyone. We are always getting the "don't have more kids" speech by a certain individual(s) doesn't make sense to me. We want more kids its something we've discussed long before we had one kid! It irritates me for people to tell me not to "push my luck"? Seriously who says that?

I don't need approval for McKenzie and I to have more kids. Its going to happen. At least one!

I've been researching placenta encapsulation and the benefits on post partum depression etc. I am SERIOUSLY considering this option as I suffered some crazy PPD last time and if it can't hurt me why not try it out...

Elsie is doing so well! Taking to insulin very well! The last two days we've managed her blood sugar very well and trusted insulin.  Which for us was something that has been very difficult to do pretty much up until now! She's growing like crazy and she's really enjoying herself with most everything except restaurants!  Haha! She really hates the constrictions of a restaurant high chair!  But we manage!

Looking forward to Christmas,  Elsie loves the tree and lights!  Can't wait for a couple weeks! To take her through the winding brook neighborhood of lights in Granger! I think she'll really love it this year!

Til later,
Sarah