Day 40:

Went to family thanksgivings this week! It was nice seeing everyone. We are always getting the "don't have more kids" speech by a certain individual(s) doesn't make sense to me. We want more kids its something we've discussed long before we had one kid! It irritates me for people to tell me not to "push my luck"? Seriously who says that?

I don't need approval for McKenzie and I to have more kids. Its going to happen. At least one!

I've been researching placenta encapsulation and the benefits on post partum depression etc. I am SERIOUSLY considering this option as I suffered some crazy PPD last time and if it can't hurt me why not try it out...

Elsie is doing so well! Taking to insulin very well! The last two days we've managed her blood sugar very well and trusted insulin.  Which for us was something that has been very difficult to do pretty much up until now! She's growing like crazy and she's really enjoying herself with most everything except restaurants!  Haha! She really hates the constrictions of a restaurant high chair!  But we manage!

Looking forward to Christmas,  Elsie loves the tree and lights!  Can't wait for a couple weeks! To take her through the winding brook neighborhood of lights in Granger! I think she'll really love it this year!

Til later,
Sarah

Day 39:

It is November 20, 2013 we have moved out of our apartment and into a house back in Goshen! We are so happy being in a house we stay home and relax now. We've been struggling with getting this insulin thing down! Its been hard to get it right. I called Noreen this morning and we talked about how once we get something figured out and we are comfortable with it that she'll grow and we'll reconfigure it all over again.

Noreen always reassures me that we  are doing awesome and doing the best we can right now. She's amazing! I just want to do the best for Elsie and make her feel good!

Kenz & I are going to work on our communication... it's hard with a toddler and full-time job and the upkeep of a house to make time for each other.  We're going to do more to make sure that we have time together.

Thanksgiving is next week and I'm thankful for so much this thanksgiving. I've never been more happy my entire life!  Spending the holidays with friends and family is all I could ask for and a happy healthy family is the cherry on top people!

Happy happy happy!! Today was a good day! 

Til later,
Sarah

Day 38:

WARNING : I AM USING THIS BLOG AS A WAY TO VENT OUT FEELINGS TONIGHT... DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE TO THIS THESE ARE MY FEELINGS AND I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FEE WHAT I SAY:

I am so Sick of babysiTting adults! I'm sick of being told how to act around certain people. I am a grOwn ass woman and I will say and do what ever the hell I want to... if there are consequences I will deal with them myself u do not need an army of people to come at me and tell me how I should have handled a situation... it was a freaKing Facebook message that was between two people and it wasn't even a big deal! I made a comment on a picture and was told not to make a blanket for someone when I just offered to and I didn't know and cOuldn't have known that this person was already making a blanket for them... I can't believe I get made into the bad guy because she's an alcoholic and can't handle her emotions!  Dell with it it's called life bitch, no one knows how to deal with it! Can't believe people still baby her and coddle her! I'm over it I'm done with it!

Good night people are so petty sometimes!

I'm done!

Day 37:

Not sure how I feel about doing this but... I read an article about post partum bodies. So much changes after and during pregnancy. This article inspired me to take a picture of MY post partum body.  I am not a very confident person - and not at all where I want to be in terms of physical fitness... but I am thankful for my new body.  I never would have done this had I not had a baby...
This is my post partum body.  The picture doesn't show my c-section scar very much but this is 14 months post partum. I have work to do but most of this will not change... I'm happy to have been the home for my daughter while she developed and stayed comfortably a week past her due date!  She developed into a beautiful perfect 7 lbs 13 oz and 20 in long! She had to fit somewhere and my body accommodated for her to the best of its ability! I earned this body and wear it proudly! Sent this picture to my partner McKenzie and she mentioned to me later this evening,  why are you sending me sexy pictures while I'm at work.  She still thinks this body is sexy and I think even more so after baby! No compliants here! 

Please don't judge me if you don't like what you see, don't look at it, this took a lot of courage to post and I feel it's part of the healing process.  I've come to embrace my body something I've NEVER really done and I'm happy to have this confidence!

Day 36: JDRF Walk for a Cure

Today was our first juvenile diabetes research foundation walk for a cure event.  This was the first of many.  We will be dedicated to raising money for our sweet baby to someday have a cure from this disease.  We had about 20 our so people on our team and we walked two miles in Mishawaka it was wonderful! Weather was chilly but not too cold, it did sprinkle a bit and started raining at the end. Everyone was mingling with each other and it wasn't uncomfortable for anyone! Couldn't have been more happy! My shirts looked great and we had so many compliments on them! Elsie loved the attention! I love how social she is, she doesn't shy away too much! Everyone that loves her and everyone she loves was there for her! 

I am saying her shirt from this year and every year... I talked about making a t shirt quilt for her when she's older of all the walk shirts we get! It made me cry because I'm sure we'll walk with this for the rest of our lives! As hopeful as I am for a cure,  the reality is hard to swallow!

So thankful for my beautiful baby and for medicine for saving her life and continuing to do so everyday!  Without the advancements in medicine I couldn't kiss my baby goodnight anymore!

Feeling thankful, and emotional tonight... the love and support for our family and our daughter is incredible!  Life is good!

Day 35:

Elsie is coming out of this honeymoon phase she's been in lately, her sugars have been higher than they were, and she's still super sensitive to insulin. So it's difficult to give her what she needs and to keep her within range... But we're doing our best!

We go see Noreen tomorrow, so many things to talk about. I need to make a list so I don't forget. Kenz may not be out of work on time. She's been working her ass off. Its been rough for me too, I miss her and I need some me time. I try to stay up after Elsie and kenz go to bed but I'm tired too and its hard to relax without falling asleep and I have to get up 4 hours after I put Elsie to bed to check her sugar so it doesn't really make me want to stay up. I know I need to be more understanding of how tired and overworked she is. Somedays are worse than others. She's been pretty high lately and I feel as if I'm not doing a great job in terms of "controlling" her diabetes. I just don't trust the insulin her body is too sensitive to it and it drops her sugar so quickly I don't feel right giving it to her.

My chest hurts right now because I am so worried about Elsie. Her sugar was so high before bed and I know she doesn't feel good, and I just don't know how to make her feel better. Its nights like this I just hold her and pray with her in my arms, that any suffering she may feel will go away when she slips into a deep sleep. I am so scared for her when she's older to feel sick from her sugar. I hope science continues as it has and we get more and more advanced treatments to care for our sweet little lady. 

We've been spending a lot of time with my family and have been talking about moving up there to Grand Rapids. It would be amazing to live closer to our biggest support system. I fear that the move would only further our relationship with McKenzie's family. At least I know my family will travel to see us, McKenzie's family on the other hand would not travel to see us, and it breaks my heart that thatbis our reality.  I can't even get McKenzie's dad to buy shirts for the diabetes walk were doing. Such bull that I have to bribe and pull strings just to even get them to attend the walk 

Anyway! I am not going to start getting into all that! 

Been talking about baby #2 as well. Maybe in the spring. We'll be caught up with finances for sure, and we'll have had almost a year with the diabetes to see how comfortable we are. If its not "smooth" by then I think we're going to wait another year. We want to be ready and we want Elsie to understand what's going on. its a big decision obviously, and a lot of talk and planning will and has gone into it because of the diabetes VBAC etc, its not a small thing to decide on.

Goodnight to all. This mama's going to bed!

Til Later

Sarah 

Day 34:

I am struggling recently. Things then getting more normal I guess. But I just feel so stressed out. I don't get much of a break. McKenzie work 5 days a week I let her sleep Friday night so that means I have Saturday night off. But I really don't have the night off I hear the monitor and I'm up until McKenzie comes back to bed. I don't think I ever actually get into a sleep state and it's getting pretty frustrating. I just never feel like I actually get enough sleep for all of the work I do all the worry I do and it seems to be a constant argument between McKenzie and I. And I know she's going through a transition right now she's working full time 5 days a week and she's going from staying home to doing that and supporting our entire family and being the sole provider. And I know how stressful that can be. I feel for her and I'm always there to support her. She's doing amazing! I an so proud of her, she works her ass off to support us and I'll always be thankful for that.

This journey has been quite the trip for me... I've been up and down and up again... I feel very stressed out and I know that that's a normal feeling. I know I should want a break but I'm scared! I take care of Elsie right now and I feel like no one else can do it like me... I know others can do it but it's a control thing. It felt like my life went out of control when I had Elsie and pushing for the things I wanted was my way to control things. Now my life went out of control again when she got diabetes and taking care of her is my way to keep things under control...

Til Later
Sarah